Signs of Trouble

I was about 8 pound lighter when the awful nausea and vomiting I had been experiencing finally began to subside.  They were18 weeks along then, and those hungry little babies decided they wanted food-- lots of food!  I steadily gained 2 pounds a week for the next rest of the pregnancy.  Because the babies were so early, that was only about 18 pounds, but I bet I would have been a house if it had continued.  I wish I had the opportunity to know.

My Dad and me (abouth 23 weeks)

I don't know what to say about that smile, and Dad wasn't ready for it, but there it is!

Somewhere around my 19th week, I began having contractions.  I also had minor cervical change, so I was placed on light duty at work, and bed rest while at home.  My doctor started me on nifedipine; it's actually a blood pressure medication that helped to control contractions by increasing blood flow.  It helped some, but I had contractions almost daily until the babies came.  Being the optimist that I am, I wasn't particularly concerned.  I was sure nothing could go wrong--I had waited my whole life for this.

I had routine ultrasounds and the big one that checked the babies' organs and development.  They appeared to be doing well.  Baby B had a 2 vessel umbilical cord (normal cords have 2 arteries and a vein), there was only one artery and a vein present.  That condition is sometimes be associated with kidney problems.  We wouldn't know for sure if anything was wrong until the baby was born.  We found out that day that Baby A was a  little girl.  Baby B was turned, so we couldn't see.  I didn't think they were identical twins at the time, so I was still hoping I'd get my baby boy.

We started shopping for baby things.  I LOVED this plastic Little Tykes alligator see-saw at the toy store.  I couldn't wait until the babies were old enough for me to buy it.  It became my mind-picture for having twins.  I could see us sitting the babies on it and rocking them gently, then when they were older, them rocking themselves.  Having an only child for 5 years, it was ridiculously exciting to have 2 at one time.  Looking back, it was silly being so excited about a toy, but it just seemed perfect for twins.

I also had those crazy "pregnant dreams" that women have.  I dreamed often of waking up with something wrong and I step by step went through the process of what I would do.  I also dreamed I had the babies and forgot where I put them.  I dreamed of having them and leaving the hospital without them.  A lot of those dreams were just nutty hormonal dreams.  Some of them prepared me for what was to come.  It was surprising how familiar some of those situations were when I walked through them in real life.

As the Lord was preparing me in dreams, I hadn't realized it yet, but I needed to be getting prepared in life.    I couldn't have known that I was walking through the last few weeks of life uninterrupted.

Learning to anticipate and prepare were lessons that I would learn well as time went on.  It is what God wants us all to know spiritually.  As he prepared me, I began to prepare myself.  Being prepared is not natural for me.  I do well under pressure and generally waited until the last minute to do things.  God had to change that in me quickly.  It isn't how he works.  He says to always be prepared to give a reason for our faith.  To be prepared, because none of us know how long we have here.  I still struggle with organization, I do however, prepare as much as I can for all possibilities; physically and spiritually. 

I prepare my spirit by reading my bible, attending church, bible study, and praying regularly.  I prepare physically by trying to stay on top of things.  I heard someone say once "the key to organization is RIGHT NOW".   I tell myself this often. When I begin to let any of those areas of my life slip, I feel lost and out of sorts.  Unfortunately, I am guilty of that more often than I'd like to admit.  Knowing that I have control over so little in life, preparing for what I can gives me a sense of peace and calm.  That sense of peace is the shelter in the storm that I was just about to discover then, and I cling to now. 

Matthew 3:3
This is he who was spoken through the prophet Isaiah:  "A voice was calling in the desert, 'Prepare a way for the Lord, make straight paths for him.'

1 Peter 3:15
But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect.

Do you have any tips have for being organized or staying prepared?  Physically or Spiritually -even the little things.  People who aren't wired like that don't even think of the things you organizers see as normal.  I heard someone say once to set the table for breakfast the next day the night before.  Small step, but I never would have thought of it.

So, watcha got?

Twins??

Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

As many of you know, Hannah was 2 1/2 years old when Jeff and I got married.  This later became a very big deal for me for many reasons; but that's its own story for another day. 

She was a wonderful baby.  Other than wishing I had been married when she was born, we were extremely happy.  I loved being a mother.  When I saw Hannah for the first time, I had that "this is what I'm here for" moment.   Jeff and I were both in love with her.  She was a smart, funny, sweet little baby.  Everything I had always wanted.

When we got married, I knew I wanted more children right away.  I was young and healthy and had no reason to believe I would have any trouble having another.  We lived on the Eastern Shore of Maryland at the time.  For the next two years we tried, unsuccessfully, to have a baby.  We even tried Clomid, a fertility drug, with no luck.  

Though I wasn't walking very close to the Lord at the time, he already had my babies in his arms.  Had we been able to conceive the twins in Maryland, the closest medical center that could have cared for sick babies was in Baltimore.  If they even survived the journey, they would have been more than two hours away from us. 

Jeff eventually took a new job in Greensboro, NC in the spring of 97.  I started working at an OB/GYN office, Hannah was enrolled in a sweet little Montessori School.  We were really good.  We had just decided to put off having another baby until we were more settled in our new city when I found out I was pregnant.  I was thrilled.

Thrilled isn't really a good enough word for how happy I was.  This was it.  I finally had everything where I wanted it.  I was happily married, had a beautiful daughter, and now my new baby was coming.  It was perfect.  We began attending a little Baptist church and I would lay awake at night thinking of baby names.  Looking back, it was one of the sweetest times of our life together.  Everything just fit into place.

I did have awful morning, noon and night sickness.  I survived on flat sprite and cheerios.  It wasn't fun, but I managed to live with it.  This horrible sickness lasted well into my second trimester.  Whoever coined the term "morning" sickness was probably never pregnant. 

When I was about 10 weeks along, I started having cramping stomach pains.  I was terrified I was losing the baby.  I worked in and OB office, so I saw it all the time.  That was one of the few days I wasn't nauseated, so I thought for sure that was the problem.  I talked to the doctor, and she said to do a quick scan at lunch (one of the perks of working with your OB). 

I will never forget the face of the ultrasound tech.  She shook her head and I heard "Oh Andrea".  I thought, well that's it. I've lost the baby.  Just then the doctor walked in and looked at the screen and said "twins?".  My heart stopped for at least 3 beats.  TWINS?  Are you kidding me?  Then I started to laugh.  The pain I was having turned out to be growing pains.  Two healthy little hearts beat on that screen.  There they were.  My babies. 

I called Jeff; he almost fell out of his chair.  His boss saw his stunned expression and sent him home for the day.  What I already thought of as the most wonderful time in my life just doubled!  I felt so blessed and so in awe of life.  I felt special to be having two babies.

I thought that I had waited so long, and here was my reward.  I was not really in relationship with God at the time, and although His plans were in motion, I just thought everything would be wonderful.  I can't remember thinking of George and Clayton while I was pregnant at all.  I had what I had always wanted and I was going to hold on with both hands.

Have you ever been where I was there?  I believed God existed.  I always have.  I didn't talk to him except to say grace with Hannah; I quickly thanked him for the good things in my life, and prayed really hard for the bad until the crisis had passed--then back to saying grace and quick thanks.  My hope was not in him.  I knew that I was missing something, but I wasn't sure what it was.  Then, I was so happy with what I could physically touch around me, my family, my home, my growing child; it was easy to ignore that little knock at the door of my heart.  He was saying:  you are my child, my daughter.  I need more from you than just believing I'm here.  Come sit, and talk with me.

I would eventually have that talk with my God, but not then.  I wish I had.  Maybe I wouldn't have had such a long way to go to understand faith.  If you haven't talked with him in a while, do.  Pick up your bible.  Pray.  Pour your heart out, your fears, your hopes, sing praise, not quick thanks, and then listen.  Be still and know He is God!

The Beginning

Matthew 25:40  The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you also did for me'.

Where did it all begin?

When I was a little girl I believe God began to prepare my heart for the life I would live.

I had a neighbor when I was growing up, Ms. Dot, who had twins with cerebral palsy. Boys, George and Clayton. They were uncannily similar to Emily and Abby. They couldn't walk or talk. They drooled. They smiled when I talked to them. They seemed to understand what I said to them. I watched Ms. Dot feed and change them. I noticed their thin legs and closed hands.  I saw how hard she worked. 

It was then and there I knew I did not want that life.

I used to pray 'Dear God, ANYTHING but that. Give me anything you want....but please, do not give me that.' I wondered if any of the other children in our neighborhood prayed that prayer. Did it even occur to them that their children could have disabilities?  I doubt it.  I think that was the beginning. That moment when my spirit recognized the life I would lead; the moment God opened my eyes and my heart to a different life. When he gently called a little girl to grow up and raise special little girls.

I remember sitting in my yard playing with the grass watching the Boy Scouts build a ramp for Ms. Dot so she could get the boys in and out of the house. It was a long ramp with a gentle incline. I'm sure a blessing to her. It was all well and good until they painted it this awful green color. I thought it stuck our like a sore thumb. I hated it. It screamed "there's something really wrong here". It was a huge **disability** sign to me. It bothered me; I wanted it to blend in. I wanted it to be closer to "normal".

These attitudes and ideas I carried into my adult life helped to shape how I viewed my own experiences and who I thought God was. Growing up a child of divorced parents, the idea of what I perceived as normal was something I held on to very tightly. A two parent home and an ordered life. Family, kids, structure. I thought that was what everyone had. If they didn't have it, I was sure they wanted it.

This impossible normal I coveted in a little girls heart became a huge obstacle in accepting Emily and Abby's disability. It was the surrender of the dreams I had of family and children to God's plan for my life that truly became the journey. I had to let God heal that little girl I was before He could use the woman I became. I had to lay it all down. Everything I thought had to become everything He thought. My perspective had to become His. My dreams became His plan.

So that is how I walked in to this world of disabilities. With the absolute knowledge that I didn't want to be here. I don't think anyone really wants to. It has been an extremely painful, devastating, joyful, enlightening, beautiful journey that I can say with absolute honesty I would walk again.

Don't get me wrong, if I could fix this, I would. I hear people with children with disabilities say that they wouldn't change it if they could. I would. It doesn't make sense to me to stay broken if you don't have to. That's why I love knowing Jesus. His whole life and death came to tell us that we didn't have to stay broken. He came that we would all have life and life abundantly. Not perfectly, but I see Him abundantly when I look at my girls.

I will, without a doubt, walk where the God who sees the beginning from the end leads me. I will wrap my arms around this completely not normal life because He asks me to. I will do this because those little girls have wrapped their sweet crooked fingers around my neck and opened their little mouths to kiss my face. Those slobbery kisses that I once thought I would hate restore my soul. I am so grateful for the opportunity to know this experience, to be changed by it.

I hope you will be too.

What are your thoughts on disabilities? How do you view people with differences? They can be hard to understand, loud, invade personal space, you may wonder if they understand you. It's okay to take a minute to be honest here, even if you don't leave a comment. Think about how your heart would respond to children like mine, if they were suddenly yours.  If you have a child with a disability, how did what you believed shape how you saw your child?

Most of you will not face this particular situation, so are there places in your hearts that need to be healed? What area of your life is in need of surrender, so that His plan for your life can be lived fully?

New Years

I love New Years. Even when I've had a hard year, it feels good to leave it behind and start again. 2009 wasn't bad at all. In fact it was probably the most neutral year I've had since the twins were born. Not a lot of good or bad happened. I'm not really used to it, but I think I like it. If God reads blogs, maybe he could consider giving me another one, so I would really be sure. :)

To begin 2010, I will tell you a little secret. I am an eternal optimist- there I said it! I am optimistic. It is just not possible for me to wake up thinking I'm going to have a bad day. A few years ago, Emily was in the hospital 28 days over a 10 week period. When she wasn't actually in, she was home with nursing care and tubes. I remember talking to Jeff each morning she was there, telling him that I really thought today would be the day she would turn around. By the end of one of those days, she was transferred to the pediatric ICU. I was sitting there completely shocked, thinking that I was the dumb girl--the one that just didn't get it. One would think that in all of that time, all sorts of possibilities would run through my mind, but they didn't. I always thought she would be fine, I guess when it was all said and done, she was.

It's not about being whether I'm being realistic as much as I just do not have it within me to see a glass as half empty. I have to always believe that everything will work out for the best. For the most part, I'm thankful that the Lord created me with that perspective. It has served me well to be able to seek whatever shred of good even horrible situations possess, and to truly have joy, even in small moments.

All of that is to say that new years feel full of possibility to me. They draw some invisible line in time, and suddenly I have what is likely a placebo form of renewed energy. Whatever. I'll take it. I don't know why I think the way I do, but it certainly shapes how I view my life and all that has happened.

January is the month Emily and Abby were born. Every January for the last 12 years have been tear filled for me. Again, not always the sharpest tool in the shed, it took me a while to realize how traumatic their birth and NICU experience had been. January brings back all that went wrong. As their birthday approaches, my heart simply breaks a little more for them each year. It never gets easier, but I understand now what I'm going through. Loss.

The month of January I will be telling the stories of their births and diagnosis. Realizing that I am an optimist at heart, will help you to understand how utterly shocked I was that so many things went so completely wrong. I am truly looking forward to sharing them with you.