It's Easter day. A beautiful day and a reminder of everything our faith stands for: resurrection. It's such a gorgeous day and it really is an awesome time.
I'm completely exhausted. I'm not sure how it is that I manage to make such a wonderful day so filled with meaning for us as Christians into such a production. I was filling Easter baskets at 11:30 at night (who even thought of Easter baskets?). I wanted to be so organized for today, so that I could relax and enjoy it; all I really got was a dirty kitchen and a headache.
Cooking Easter dinner, getting all the kids showered dressed, and marginally cute while assuring my husband that yes, you can where that shirt with those shorts. Yes, girls, the cat litter has to be scooped, even though it's Easter day. Easter is a lot of work.
Normally we go out to eat today, it's my break-from-cooking-holiday. This year, the new jobless status has placed me firmly in the kitchen for the foreseeable future. I love to cook, but we all know the kitchen clean up stinks. I get all schizophrenic going back and forth thinking about how amazing and miraculous it is that Jesus rose from the dead; just walked out of the tomb. He died a horrible death for me. It is really beyond understanding. I sit quietly in awe, then one of the kids has to eat. The awe fades and life jumps in. Then I am flipped Sybil-style into crazy running around like a maniac every single thing has to get done right now woman.
I don't think it's supposed to be that way. I think the day of rest and reflection the bible speaks of should slow life down and refresh the spirit.
Busy days and busy lives keep us from those quiet moments we need. Sometimes, we just can't help the things that creep in, then there are the things we create because we think it all has to be perfect --personally for me, it takes all of that effort for presentable-- but perfect is the dream. I look forward to the day that I can just calm down and let it be. Sure, the kids will still have to eat and the cat litter will have to be scooped, but maybe, just maybe, I can keep that awe of this amazing day with me through it all.
Happy Easter! He truly is risen~!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Believing God
So the rubber hits the road.
Today, my husband was let go from a job he had for nine years and loved doing. It was a complete surprise for us. Even in the tough economy and the business he's in, I thought we had made it through the worst of the cut backs and changes in the company. Not so, I guess.
It's a scary feeling. It's pretty amazing how much of my security rested in him having a job and providing for our family. So many thoughts are running through my head. Jeff's job is "market oriented", so changing jobs for him often means changing cities. My oldest daughter is a junior in high school; she wants to finish with her friends of course. The twins and their medical care. Health insurance. Little things like getting my hair done (not really a big deal, right? No seriously...right?). It's a very insecure feeling.
It has me thinking of the Old Testament and the practice of being "put out", when men could tire of their wives and just throw them out on the street. They had no way to work and couldn't remarry because they were still married. First Moses and then Jesus denounced this practice, knowing how harmful it was. These women had no hope of supporting themselves. Did they have children to take care of? How frightening it must have been. It would be so easy to feel despair. It's amazing that I don't. I am not an Old Testament woman. I am a product of the resurrection. I have the Holy Spirit, the trinity encompassing my family.
It has been a joy today to tell my girls that I know this is a scary time, but Daddy has always taken good care of us and God loves our family and has good things for us. Faith to me, is believing in an amazing God who sees the beginning from the end. It is His peace that surrounds me, so even though I can easily think myself into a good panic if I wanted to, why would I spend energy on that? I can't control any of this, and God knows the needs of our family. I happen to be an expert at the whole "I can't fix this" concept. I have faith that my husband will do whatever he has to do to take care of this family.
So this is a 'wow' day for me. It's one of those days that changes our lives. God takes me by the hand and says "oh, no honey, we're going this way". So this way we go.
It's important to teach my children to believe God. They need to see us praying, calm, motivated, figuring this out. They need to understand that we have to tighten our belts. They have to participate in cost cutting and watch as God provides for us. It's good for all of us to remember that God is our provider, not Jeff or me.
I think I may have mentioned before that the only thing steady in my life is that it changes all the time. This is just another one. As far as I know, I don't have a brain tumor or anything else that impairs my judgment, so I'm determined to handle this the way I handle everything else. One day at a time with a grateful heart and the provision of an awesome God. That is really where the rubber hits the road.
Today, my husband was let go from a job he had for nine years and loved doing. It was a complete surprise for us. Even in the tough economy and the business he's in, I thought we had made it through the worst of the cut backs and changes in the company. Not so, I guess.
It's a scary feeling. It's pretty amazing how much of my security rested in him having a job and providing for our family. So many thoughts are running through my head. Jeff's job is "market oriented", so changing jobs for him often means changing cities. My oldest daughter is a junior in high school; she wants to finish with her friends of course. The twins and their medical care. Health insurance. Little things like getting my hair done (not really a big deal, right? No seriously...right?). It's a very insecure feeling.
It has me thinking of the Old Testament and the practice of being "put out", when men could tire of their wives and just throw them out on the street. They had no way to work and couldn't remarry because they were still married. First Moses and then Jesus denounced this practice, knowing how harmful it was. These women had no hope of supporting themselves. Did they have children to take care of? How frightening it must have been. It would be so easy to feel despair. It's amazing that I don't. I am not an Old Testament woman. I am a product of the resurrection. I have the Holy Spirit, the trinity encompassing my family.
It has been a joy today to tell my girls that I know this is a scary time, but Daddy has always taken good care of us and God loves our family and has good things for us. Faith to me, is believing in an amazing God who sees the beginning from the end. It is His peace that surrounds me, so even though I can easily think myself into a good panic if I wanted to, why would I spend energy on that? I can't control any of this, and God knows the needs of our family. I happen to be an expert at the whole "I can't fix this" concept. I have faith that my husband will do whatever he has to do to take care of this family.
So this is a 'wow' day for me. It's one of those days that changes our lives. God takes me by the hand and says "oh, no honey, we're going this way". So this way we go.
It's important to teach my children to believe God. They need to see us praying, calm, motivated, figuring this out. They need to understand that we have to tighten our belts. They have to participate in cost cutting and watch as God provides for us. It's good for all of us to remember that God is our provider, not Jeff or me.
I think I may have mentioned before that the only thing steady in my life is that it changes all the time. This is just another one. As far as I know, I don't have a brain tumor or anything else that impairs my judgment, so I'm determined to handle this the way I handle everything else. One day at a time with a grateful heart and the provision of an awesome God. That is really where the rubber hits the road.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Just Hangin On?
Today is my birthday. I love birthdays. I love new beginnings. This is my very own new year. I feel like I get to start over, change the rules of the game just a little if I want to.
I'm 38 today. My twenty year high school reunion is this year. It is amazing how time has flown by. We all know it does, but my head still spins sometimes while I'm on that speeding time train. I thought I would hate getting older, and I will say that I'm not loving all of it, but I love the way I feel.
It's awesome to be a 38 year old wife and mom. I have amazing kids, and a marriage I'm proud of. I have faith that sustains me, quiet moments that renew me, purpose that drives me, strength that surprises me, people who love me, health that allows me to do what I want to do; together it's a story that makes a life I want to have.
When Emily and Abby were babies and I didn't know what our life would look like I would often pray that God would give me a glimpse of what our life would be. I held and rocked them for hours, staring at their tiny faces and holding their little hands, so afraid that what the doctors said they'd be would be true. I begged Him to let me dream of them, to see what they would become for a just a minute. I thought if I could just see them, I would know that I could do this and everything would be alright. God in his infinite wisdom did not give me that vision. At only a glimpse, we are absolutely not alright. Had I seen one moment of this life, I would have run screaming from the room. I would have seen kids in wheelchairs that couldn't walk or talk. In one minute, I could have only seen what was lost.
I wouldn't have known how much I could love those girls, I wouldn't have even looked at how amazing Hannah and Sarah turned out. I'm sure if I were standing outside looking in for just a few minutes, I would see my greatest fears realized, all that was completely wrong. How could I have known at the sight of my girls in wheelchairs how full our lives could be? I couldn't have felt the love and respect I have for my husband for walking this very hard road with me. I wouldn't have imagined the pride I feel in all of my girls as they work hard, help each other and love so sweetly. I couldn't have understood then the love I have for Jesus, the understanding I have of his ways; the support and comfort my faith and my church family would bring me. I wouldn't know at a glance of the precious friendships I would have with families of children with disabilities and the amazing strength they possess. Then, I couldn't have seen me now and known how abundantly blessed I'd feel.
A single snapshot of the family we would become would never show me Jeff's steady, hard work and commitment; Hannah's generous heart and helping hands; Emily's fiery temper, determination, and wicked sense of humor; Abby's overwhelming sweetness and sometimes unsure eyes and her need to be reassured; Sarah's precious, healing spirit, her humor and love.
When I held those little broken babies all of those years ago and opened my broken heart to them, God took all those fractured pieces of us all and made a whole. A complete, rounded, loved, abundantly full life that at a glimpse would still look broken.
So how could inching toward 40 be so bad? I love me at 38. I love that I can see how very blessed I am. I walk into my 39th year grateful and praying that God would continue to bless me in ways that at a glimpse, I wouldn't understand.
I'm 38 today. My twenty year high school reunion is this year. It is amazing how time has flown by. We all know it does, but my head still spins sometimes while I'm on that speeding time train. I thought I would hate getting older, and I will say that I'm not loving all of it, but I love the way I feel.
It's awesome to be a 38 year old wife and mom. I have amazing kids, and a marriage I'm proud of. I have faith that sustains me, quiet moments that renew me, purpose that drives me, strength that surprises me, people who love me, health that allows me to do what I want to do; together it's a story that makes a life I want to have.
When Emily and Abby were babies and I didn't know what our life would look like I would often pray that God would give me a glimpse of what our life would be. I held and rocked them for hours, staring at their tiny faces and holding their little hands, so afraid that what the doctors said they'd be would be true. I begged Him to let me dream of them, to see what they would become for a just a minute. I thought if I could just see them, I would know that I could do this and everything would be alright. God in his infinite wisdom did not give me that vision. At only a glimpse, we are absolutely not alright. Had I seen one moment of this life, I would have run screaming from the room. I would have seen kids in wheelchairs that couldn't walk or talk. In one minute, I could have only seen what was lost.
I wouldn't have known how much I could love those girls, I wouldn't have even looked at how amazing Hannah and Sarah turned out. I'm sure if I were standing outside looking in for just a few minutes, I would see my greatest fears realized, all that was completely wrong. How could I have known at the sight of my girls in wheelchairs how full our lives could be? I couldn't have felt the love and respect I have for my husband for walking this very hard road with me. I wouldn't have imagined the pride I feel in all of my girls as they work hard, help each other and love so sweetly. I couldn't have understood then the love I have for Jesus, the understanding I have of his ways; the support and comfort my faith and my church family would bring me. I wouldn't know at a glance of the precious friendships I would have with families of children with disabilities and the amazing strength they possess. Then, I couldn't have seen me now and known how abundantly blessed I'd feel.
A single snapshot of the family we would become would never show me Jeff's steady, hard work and commitment; Hannah's generous heart and helping hands; Emily's fiery temper, determination, and wicked sense of humor; Abby's overwhelming sweetness and sometimes unsure eyes and her need to be reassured; Sarah's precious, healing spirit, her humor and love.
When I held those little broken babies all of those years ago and opened my broken heart to them, God took all those fractured pieces of us all and made a whole. A complete, rounded, loved, abundantly full life that at a glimpse would still look broken.
So how could inching toward 40 be so bad? I love me at 38. I love that I can see how very blessed I am. I walk into my 39th year grateful and praying that God would continue to bless me in ways that at a glimpse, I wouldn't understand.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Bad Blogger
I've been a bad blogger. The kids have been sick lately. On and off, not terribly, just enough to not-go-to- school sick. I haven't had all of them at school on the same day for 4 straight weeks now. This would normally send me into some sort of tail spin, panicky, out of control place that makes me no fun to be around. I usually need time to regroup in this nutty life of mine.
I'm simply not as overwhelmed as I would expect to be right now. I'm think I'm okay. It's strange to feel that way in the middle of so much chaos and life pulling in all directions. I think I am finally allowing God to do what he has wanted to do for me; he has taken my yoke upon him because his burden is light and mine is heavy. I don't think I realized what that meant before now. I've read that verse so many times and wondered how does he take my burdens? He doesn't babysit. He isn't feeding or changing diapers or cooking, cleaning, worrying.... What does that mean?
In the last four weeks, my daughter had surgery and was in the hospital for a week, I had my in laws come in town unexpectedly one hour after I brought Abby home--they stayed a week, worked with an advocacy group on a federal lawsuit on behalf of my daughters' educational rights, called everyone from the President of the United States, Governor, to state representatives and written countless letters about standardized testing and children who use computers to access their education; and then sent my brave child to school to take this test she can not access because it is the law, attended bible study, church, and Girls Scouts (I was cookie girl--oh heaven--that could have sent anyone over the edge), started a closed Face Book group bible study with my friends to encourage each other to keep up with our bible time, nursed my family one by one through a nasty stomach virus, carpooled and taxied kids and whatever else mothers spend their time doing day in and out and I think I might still be sane (do crazy people know they're crazy?--question for another blog maybe :).
When I look back at it, I think it's a pretty impressive list. What is amazing about all that is that I am not extraordinary. I am so unbelievably stagnant on my own, sometimes I can't remember if I've brushed my own teeth, and occasionally don't care. I didn't make that list because I am capable of doing any of it. I made it because I stand in awe of what God is capable of. He gives me strength that I absolutely do not have. The fact that I am nothing special beyond being his child means that anything that seems extraordinary in your life can be accomplished if it is in his will. Sharing my burden may not mean physically being in my house with me and picking up my kids. It means that he gives me strength and wisdom when I need it to accomplish his purpose. It requires trust. I have to let it go and know that ultimately his plan and his ways are above mine.
A few years ago after a definite "wilderness experience" God gave me a life verse. I had always wanted one. I loved many verses in the bible, but none of them called me. I was at the end of my own very short rope when I was brought to this verse:
Hebrews 13:20-21
May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the Glory for ever and ever. Amen.
It is the calling on my life. That God would equip me to do his will. I love that this short verse brings me to his covenant with his people, with the reminder that it is eternal. The entire purpose of my life is to bring Glory to God.
At the end of one of the most difficult months I've had in years I should be overwhelmed and stressed, but I am not. I trusted God to take care of me, to share my burden and equip me, and he did. Our God is and awesome God. Extraordinary.
I have believed in him for so long, attended regular bible study, prayed--did everything a girl should do and yet I didn't know how to lighten my load. I knew he wanted me to, but I panicked and ran. Sometimes I just stopped and couldn't do one more thing, no matter how much it needed to be done. I certainly still have those moments. I am still afraid and I stop sometimes, but only for a moment. I pray continuously that I would be in his will, I believe he guides me, I know he equips me.
So at the end of this day, I'm not such a great blogger, really not a great multi tasker, completely ordinary-- with a God who asks no more of me than to say "yes". I get to say yes Lord. I am allowed to be more than I am. If each day, each of us said Yes!--what would God's kingdom on this earth look like?
I'm simply not as overwhelmed as I would expect to be right now. I'm think I'm okay. It's strange to feel that way in the middle of so much chaos and life pulling in all directions. I think I am finally allowing God to do what he has wanted to do for me; he has taken my yoke upon him because his burden is light and mine is heavy. I don't think I realized what that meant before now. I've read that verse so many times and wondered how does he take my burdens? He doesn't babysit. He isn't feeding or changing diapers or cooking, cleaning, worrying.... What does that mean?
In the last four weeks, my daughter had surgery and was in the hospital for a week, I had my in laws come in town unexpectedly one hour after I brought Abby home--they stayed a week, worked with an advocacy group on a federal lawsuit on behalf of my daughters' educational rights, called everyone from the President of the United States, Governor, to state representatives and written countless letters about standardized testing and children who use computers to access their education; and then sent my brave child to school to take this test she can not access because it is the law, attended bible study, church, and Girls Scouts (I was cookie girl--oh heaven--that could have sent anyone over the edge), started a closed Face Book group bible study with my friends to encourage each other to keep up with our bible time, nursed my family one by one through a nasty stomach virus, carpooled and taxied kids and whatever else mothers spend their time doing day in and out and I think I might still be sane (do crazy people know they're crazy?--question for another blog maybe :).
When I look back at it, I think it's a pretty impressive list. What is amazing about all that is that I am not extraordinary. I am so unbelievably stagnant on my own, sometimes I can't remember if I've brushed my own teeth, and occasionally don't care. I didn't make that list because I am capable of doing any of it. I made it because I stand in awe of what God is capable of. He gives me strength that I absolutely do not have. The fact that I am nothing special beyond being his child means that anything that seems extraordinary in your life can be accomplished if it is in his will. Sharing my burden may not mean physically being in my house with me and picking up my kids. It means that he gives me strength and wisdom when I need it to accomplish his purpose. It requires trust. I have to let it go and know that ultimately his plan and his ways are above mine.
A few years ago after a definite "wilderness experience" God gave me a life verse. I had always wanted one. I loved many verses in the bible, but none of them called me. I was at the end of my own very short rope when I was brought to this verse:
Hebrews 13:20-21
May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the Glory for ever and ever. Amen.
It is the calling on my life. That God would equip me to do his will. I love that this short verse brings me to his covenant with his people, with the reminder that it is eternal. The entire purpose of my life is to bring Glory to God.
At the end of one of the most difficult months I've had in years I should be overwhelmed and stressed, but I am not. I trusted God to take care of me, to share my burden and equip me, and he did. Our God is and awesome God. Extraordinary.
I have believed in him for so long, attended regular bible study, prayed--did everything a girl should do and yet I didn't know how to lighten my load. I knew he wanted me to, but I panicked and ran. Sometimes I just stopped and couldn't do one more thing, no matter how much it needed to be done. I certainly still have those moments. I am still afraid and I stop sometimes, but only for a moment. I pray continuously that I would be in his will, I believe he guides me, I know he equips me.
So at the end of this day, I'm not such a great blogger, really not a great multi tasker, completely ordinary-- with a God who asks no more of me than to say "yes". I get to say yes Lord. I am allowed to be more than I am. If each day, each of us said Yes!--what would God's kingdom on this earth look like?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
