What I need

I found this (I can't even remember where), but it's so true. Each moment is so different.

I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.

I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.

I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.

I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.

I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.

I need an extra hug and respect for my space.

I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.

I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.

I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.

I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be.

But more than anything I need you…
your support, your friendship, your understanding…
a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.





 

Writing

The longer I go in between posts, the harder it is to start again. Where does a sentence really begin? Sometimes it's hard to know.

We are all doing okay. But only okay.

I don't feel sad all the time, but I do feel a heaviness constantly. It feels like everything takes effort. Getting up, brushing teeth, leaving the house, writing...absolutely everything is more difficult. I hate that because everything was hard for so long. There was no time and feelings of being overwhelmed were real. Now, time is a gift that it hurts to have.

I watch videos of Abby all the time. Almost everyday, just to see her.

We put up our trees, and I know Abby would love them. I love them. I thought it would be hard, and there were hard moments, but overall I was glad to touch the things her little hands touched year after year. We have a tree just for the girls,I love taking out the ornaments they made, and remembering little fingers and excited faces because they had a gift for us. Those things make me smile. And they make me long for her.




look at those little Abby toes! She had big, adorable feet :)











this is her baby's first ornament. Her great grandpa Leo sent them to the , so I think of him and Abby when I see this one.

For my our big tree, I added butterflies this year. They make me think of her too.













People say you just have to get through the first year. We are doing that, but it's much harder than I thought it would be. It doesn't help that she was so sick last year. Looking back, there weren't any good "lasts". They were all just getting through too. I can't change that, and I have to believe that God had a reason for what she went endured.

I'm sure Abby is having the most amazing Christmas ever, and I'm going to do my best to make our first one without her joyful for my kids. Sarah says over and over that she needs it to feel the same. I just keep Abby in the conversation. Telling stories of her are good for me and Emily, but it seems hard for Sarah. She misses her, but doesn't want to talk about it. So I'm trying to give her what she does say she wants, a happy Christmas...and who knows? Maybe I'll even just write a little too!


 

Abby walking

3 months. I can't believe it's been 3 months. Here's a little Abby for those who miss her as much as I do.

Abby walking :)



 

Comic relief

Sunday morning, as I finished getting ready for church, Glory (she-devil-puppy) ran by with something in her mouth. I chased her, and got the item out of her mouth. I complained about her as I walked back into the bathroom. I grabbed my hairspray and turned to explain to Jeff what the dog did as I sprayed.

The problem was I had 2 cans on my sink.

Guess which one ended up in my hair?




Yep! Kaboom foamtastic, sprays on blue and turns white when it's done.

Me, with a blue head 10 minutes before I was supposed to walk out of the door. I panicked because I didn't know if it had bleach in it. I ran to the sink and sprayed my hair down. Dried it well, completely relieved it wasn't yellow. I went to church looking like...well, I guess looking like my head had just been sprayed with toilet bowl cleaner.

It really was funny, but I've got to pay attention to what I'm doing. That is incredibly difficult when that puppy is running around. She's like a chewing, four legged, terror toddler. Then, at least once a day, she gets really sweet and cuddles up. What's a girl to do?

Glory's last two days also included:

Eating my shoe.




Getting tangled in the Christmas tree lights. Thank God she didn't run!




Pulling Sarah's painting off her desk, walking through it, and then all over the bed.








That dog is trouble, I tell ya. T-R-O-U-B-L-E!

She's also some much needed comic relief sometimes.