New Years

Oh my goodness! Is it Thursday and the third of January already? The year is flying by and we're only 3 days in.

I'm not generally a New Years resolution kinda girl, but this year, everything is different.

When Abby died, I gave myself the rest of the year for absolutely nothing. Just survive day to day. I wanted to be still as much as possible. I cried as much as I wanted and except in the presence of my kids, didn't try to pull it together. Almost 4 months of consistent grief.

Don't get me wrong, I will grieve for my precious daughter the rest of my life. Until she is with me again, I will ache for her. I'm sure I will have days that I can barely get through. But, life has to slowly move on again too, which means I need to begin to form a plan.

I think that plan will include some form of work, mostly because earning my keep might be fun :)

I stopped working when the twins were born because they needed so much. Now, I have a lot of time on my hands. I need to find something to do that I can make a little money with and still have some flexibility if Emily needs me. I don't know what that is, but I want to try something. Hmmmm, what should I do?

I do have a few personal resolutions. Pioneer Woman (a blog I read) used the word resolution for an acronym, so I'll give it a shot too. I'm not going to think of them as resolutions as much as continued life goals, with as much grace sprinkled in as possible.




R- Read my Bible. I would love to spend a year of consistency. Reading, learning, and taking it all in.
I don't want to be greedy with "R", but I need 2.
The second is Remember. I want to find a way or cause that honors and remembers Abby. I'm not sure which way to go with that, but I want to remember. Every. Day.




E- Exercise. Ya, that just about says it all. (I would like to say I am fatty-McFatty here, but I'm being a little nicer to myself-- see "U")




S- Socialize. I am a social girl, and I miss my friends. This is where God allowed us to be, and I have to make a life here. The first year didn't count because I never left the house when I wasn't heading to the hospital. I'm going to spend time with my friends, whom I dearly love, and try to make new ones.

O- I was warned this one was tough, and it is. I'll go with Offer. Offer to help, listen, pray, or be there when needed. Offer myself as much as my battered little heart can to serve others.

L- Love. Deeply. Completely. Freely.

U- Become more Understanding. There is no need to be so hard on myself or those around me. I need to chill out a bit.

T- Think things through. I have lived a life of only reacting and responding to situations. I have time now, and I realize that I can stop and think more often.

I- Invest time and energy in my family and each day that God has given me. I don't want to waste it, or miss it!

O- Oh no! Another O.
Operate my keyboard. A sneaky little way to say write. I love to write and have several unfinished projects, and many more in my head. Even if I never do anything with it, I'd like to finish something.

N- Notice the little things. What I remember most clearly about Abby's life are all the small moments that made it so meaningful. She was legally blind, and we often described the world to her, and the sounds she heard. It made it incredibly special for me to be on this created planet with her. I want to keep that gift she gave.


Happy new year!





 

Bad day

Yesterday, I had a bad day.

Not because of Abby. Not because of Emily. Not because of any particular problem.

I had a bad day because life can just be hard and I don't do it well sometimes.

We woke up good. We had plenty of time to get ready for church. Everything should have gone fine, except about 40 minutes after I said its time to get moving, I noticed no one had moved. At all.

Something bad happens in my brain when so many perfectly capable people in one house can not manage to drag themselves around long enough to put clothing on. I start yelling. I irritate everyone enough to make them move, which adds another layer to my irritation. Why should I have to turn into a maniac to get my not-babies-anymore family out the door?

I angrily grab my earring to finish getting ready and can't get it clasped in back. I fight with it long enough to stab my finger, bleed, stop the bleeding and finally get it done in time to have my husband casually walk in and ask why I'm not finished yet.

Now I'm breathing every single breath slowly through my nose, as I remain calm solely to get out the door.

I walk to the living room to see Emily sitting crooked in her wheel chair looking like one of those troll doll pencils I used to twirl between my palms as a kid. Hannah and Sarah are siting like nothing in the world is wrong. I double take on Sarah, who I realize has pulled her natty vacation hair back into a scraggly Rastafarian type pony tail. Um, no. Get a brush. Now!




I brush, wash, coat, and shoe Emily, just in time yell again that we need to go.
Emily thinks it's very funny for me to go off the deep end...strange kid :/

Sarah starts crying because she can't detangle her head. I'm annoyed because why in the world didn't she get in the shower instead of sitting around. Ugh!

We drive to church sulking, sighing, and fuming.

I love church. I love going, and learning. Of course I couldn't love it after such a bad morning. I felt like a hypocrite or even a liar.

The preacher talked about the gift of grace. It was perfect, but it almost made me feel worse. I know better than to act that way. It never helps, and a good day turned very bad.

I wish I could say it automatically flipped to good because we went to church, but it didn't. Hurt feelings, and lingering anger made it slow to smooth over. As the day went on, we did work it out, and ended up having a peaceful family dinner together.

It was a day that reminded me that I hate those days. I hate my own reaction to simple everyday problems. I have faced HUGE, life altering problems this year. I, for the most part, have gracefully dealt with them. Not once did I lose it over Abby, but tangled hair....oh my.

So, why do I lose my ever lovin mind on the little things?

I don't know exactly. I have to figure God is still working on me.

Knowing I am in need of extravagant grace--daily--doesn't mean I shouldn't have been upset. It does mean that I have the tools to respond differently. As I try to be the wife and mom I want to be, I also have the responsibility to respond differently.

Thankfully, today is a new day, and almost a new year. A new chance to make different choices, and have a day that isn't such a bad day.




 

Christmas 2012

We did great getting through Christmas. Actually, I enjoyed it. Abby is always in our hearts and on our minds, but I know how precious life is. I want to enjoy my girls as much as possible. It was actually very peaceful and quiet.





Christmas Eve, Jeff's family came over and ate, opened presents, and just enjoyed being together. Last weekend we did that with my family. That's the part of Christmas I love. Being together, and relaxing.

































Only 3 stockings, but I feel like we brought our Abby girl with us, and still enjoyed family. That's the hard part. Finding balance between missing her, and life moving on and finding peace and joy in what our new reality is.

Emily hasn't felt well this week, so I've been busy trying to keep her happy. Jeff thinks it may be about Abby. I'm not sure. She just doesn't feel well. Her appetite isn't very good, but she's eating enough. She's drinking, but doesn't really want to. She's okay, but not. She's very whiny and cranky and doesn't really want to talk about it. I can't see any good reason to take her to the doctor, but if she keeps this up, I'll have her checked out just in case.

She definitely felt well enough to open presents! I love these faces!
























 

Broken

I keep waiting for a day that feels even a little bit normal to write something. It is simply in my nature to want to be positive. I do have good moments and times with family and friends that are joyful. But for the most part of almost every day I feel empty. Grief is a lonely place. No one can go there with you, and as much as I have faith that Abby is fine and I am not alone, it will take time to put some of that broken back together.

I've been thinking of the shooting in Connecticut (as we all have) and know how awful it will be for those parents as they bury their children. They must somehow learn to live with this awful tragedy in a landscape that no longer makes sense. My heart breaks for them and for us all over again.

Every day parents lose their children. We aren't unique at all. Our lives are only special because Abby was so special. Her incredibly difficult, challenging, beautiful life made us special.

Her laugh, kisses, and love of helping me in the kitchen are daily voids (chasm might be the word I need here). I miss her pushing me to be more and do more. I can't believe I even miss how demanding she was. She wasn't ever going to settle. I miss agonizing over a Christmas present for her. I never knew what to buy. I had such anxiety every Christmas, but she loved everything she got. Mostly, she just wanted to open the packages.

She really is a sweet kid.

So I have all of this running around my head, and I never know what to do with it. Where does all this grief go?

Before, life was really, really hard. But it was active and busy. We were always moving and trying to keep up. I feel passive now. It's like sorrow is something that happens to me. I have time to deal with it, but I don't know how. I'm swamped with images of not only her death, but her life. Even after she's gone, I wish it could have been easier for her. I still feel so bad that she suffered the way she did. It doesn't just go away because she did.

Christmas is only days away and I just want to get it over with. I've wrapped all the presents I normally would, made cookies, planned meals, shopped, and worked like always. Nothing is like always though. If I stop for even one second and think of my daughter, I cry and feel awful.

I poured my heart and soul into her life; into the faith it took walk beside her. I know I still have 3 children, but none of them have ever needed the way Abby did. I learned to live in her needs. We all did. Now, I'm lost in a way I've never been before.

Our hospice social worker continues to follow us for a year. Over and over she tries to remind me how loved Abby was, and how much she loved in return. I know that's true, and I'm thankful for it, but it doesn't change the brokenness of life without her.

I am praying that somewhere I find some merry in our Christmas, and can enjoy the gift that I know life is, and the gift we celebrate that day. I pray you do too.