Pressure Point

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.    2 Corinthians 4:8-9

There's a song lyric that asks "how many times can I break til' I shatter?" 
It's an interesting question that I find myself singing more often than I'd like.   

The simple answer is that I can't shatter, even if I want to; but sometimes I break and sometimes my kids break. 

Today, it's Abigail. 

My sweet Abby.  She's really the sweetest girl you'll ever meet.  She's also the most demanding child ever created.  She can make me absolutely nuts, or smile just thinking about her. 

Abby has this sweet way of wrapping her little hand around me to give hugs that melts my heart.  She also needs lots of attention and "lovey's".

The last few days this Sweetie of mine has been having some trouble with her foot.  The way she holds it makes the arch point outward and her big toe goes way in, like a bad bunion--but not.  Her foot has been like that forever, it's always red and something we keep an eye on, but somehow over the few days it went from red to white, to open.  A pressure sore. 

For immobile people, pressure sores are a constant source of concern.  For their Mamma's, it's a source of concern.  My baby broke.  I pulled the band-aid off her foot this evening and there it was; red, open, and just plain mean. 

I cleaned it, put medication on it, wrapped and gently placed it on a pillow, but it hurt her.  Her hands clenched and shook; I could see the hurt in her face.  She's so brave though.  It would be so much easier if she would cry or kick or something.  It's her bravery that breaks me.  It's my pressure point. 

Watching her stoically endure painful, difficult procedures breaks my heart--I think I overuse that phrase, or that phrase overuses me, I'm not sure which it is.  I have this underlying feeling that my girls go through so much, there should be a place where enough is enough.  I want to throw my hands up in the air and ask 'WHY?'  Isn't it enough that she can't get up and walk around?  That she can't move her foot when it's being rubbed open?  Isn't it enough that she can't say "momma, my foot hurts"?  Isn't it ever enough? 

It seems like a big fit over a boo-boo on her foot, huh?  It's really not.  She is only twelve years old and these things are very difficult problems once they begin.  It's frustrating and sad.  Seeing her hurt when life is already so hard makes me feel like we're running a race that we're losing.  I feel like no matter how hard I try to keep her healthy and safe, there are things I miss and things I can't control.  This, I missed.  I could have done something differently for sure.  I will now, but we have to heal a "break" too.

Pressure sores heal slowly because the skin breaks down on the inside before it opens on the outside.  Once that happens, it has to heal from the inside out. 

I need to heal that way too.  I'm like Abby's foot.  There are so many things always going on inside, causing pressure and concern.  Things that can't really move just because I feel the pain.  Life that goes on even when it hurts.  Wounds that can't or shouldn't stay open. 

Pressure points. 

I honestly can't imagine how anyone could handle all of it without a belief in God.  I pray to Him, cry, beg, sometimes get angry with him, but at the end of every pressure filled day, I trust him.  I believe that as my brave daughter shakes with hurt,  he comforts her.  He waits for me and understands what it feels like to watch as His child suffers.  I know that as I struggle to shoulder so much responsibility, I don't have to alone.  I can bring this broken life of mine, and lay it down where there are no pressure points. 

What are your pressure points?  Do you know that there is a place where you can find rest?  There is a place that is calm and still in a pressure filled world.  Oh, how I pray today for healing, from the inside out.

What I see

I've enjoyed a nice day with my girls--nice and quiet; making soup, baking cookies.  Just the way I like it.  Calm.

Emily had three days without having too many seizures.  She completed some school work, and stayed at school all day.  There are just no words to describe the weight a parent carries when something's wrong with their child.  I don't even recognize it until there's a break, or something changes and some perspective has an opportunity to creep in. 

Emily has been picked up from school nearly everyday for the last four weeks on the days she's even been able to make it to school.  Her seizures have been so frequent that we haven't been able to take a breath.  She constantly stares off into space, her eyes may roll back in to her head, sometimes she just doesn't respond, or she might make a kind of smacking sound with her mouth.  They'd been lasting 5-10 seconds, but going on for hours.  Last week they came less frequently, but lasted 1-1/2 minutes.  We are constantly on edge, carrying emergency seizure medications every where we go.  We put a video monitor in her room so we can see her at all times.  Any time I'm not available, someone has to be on call to pick her up if needed. 

The longer this goes on, the more I'm afraid that it isn't going to end.  Emily is tired and we can see the toll it's taking on her too.

Then we have a day.  A day when she did well at school.  Opening her notebook and not reading about another bad day was such a relief.  Finally, just when I was completely desperate, a good day.  She was wiped out when she got home; she went straight to bed and only got up for dinner.  I didn't care, I'll take it.  Then Friday, another good day at school, but even better--she came home happy and ready to play.  She stayed up the whole day!  Saturday....I didn't know if it was too much to hope for, but another good day.  She went to the park, played with her dog and had an all around good day.  Maybe a few small seizures on Saturday, but not bad at all.  

Today hasn't been a good day.  Lots of seizures, many people at church saw them too.  A few good days give me hope for more.  It's like the clouds open up for just a moment and I can see the sun again.  I remember my daughter, who I've been missing.

I know how hard it can be having kids with disabilities.  I've lived with various degrees of intensity for so many years now, but I am always surprised when were in the middle of it all.

I started this post last week, so...

This week, each day, I think is a better day than the day before.  We seemed to have settled into a routine with a few seizures on most days, but not for hours on end like before.  She has very few good days at school.  She's tired and nauseated from the meds, and the work is just never ending.  We're still not sure what we're going to do with that situation, but we have a health care meeting at school this week to try to figure it all out.

I'm not sure I ever feel more loved or seen by God than when I'm in the middle of a dark time.  It's a light that can only shine in darkness.  It is peace and comfort when those two words shouldn't quite fit.  I am tired and yet I know that a plan as been in place since before time began.  I trust it.  There is a unique beauty in the midst of sorrow or despair that those of us who believe are given eyes to see.  It is our glorious, ceiling-less God who delights in reveling the depth of His love; it really is a precious sight.

Can you see it in your life; in your circumstance?  It's there, I promise if you look, it's there.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Shining Lights

I’m sitting on an airplane feeling air under the heavy metal wings that seems to miraculously pull me into the sky and home to my children. The sun is setting, leaving orange and yellow that somehow fades into pink across the sky. This is a beautiful planet we inhabit. The clouds below the plane look like little stepping stones that make me think of rock hopping up a creek bed. The view ain’t too shabby at all.

It makes me wonder...what does God see when he looks down?

In the entire universe, He chose this planet, this place in all of creation to form life. Did he look down from heaven and think “it’s perfect”...or could he have created this solar system knowing that this one swirling ball would inhabit life and the praises of his people? In the vastness of the universe; planets, orbits, suns, moons, black holes, and endless galaxies, how can He possibly see me, or why would he want to in light of all there is for him to look at?  I'd bet He can see this amazing sunset from where he sits at just about anytime at all. Somewhere in the billions of stars in the sky, there always has to be a planet turning from its sun.

The concept of an omnipresent God is beyond my ability for comprehension. He lives and dwells in me, walks beside me, filters life for me and desires to do so. He walks with my children and cares about every aspect of their lives. We are important to Him. He is enthralled with the beauty of those He created, ‎ (The King (God) is ENTHRALLED by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord." -Psalm 45:11). To Him, we are each as beautiful as anything else He made (Eph. 1:4 for he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight).

In all of creation, He chooses you and me.  And then He asks us to shine for him on the earth.  I wonder what we look like to God. Isaiah 60:1 tells us to “"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you”. We should be shining for all to see. There is darkness all around us. We should look different, to the world and to God.

Lights from the plane.

Seeing the lights begin to show up in the dark as the sun finally sets makes me think of what we're supposed to look like when God.looks past the sunsets and clouds.  We are supposed to shine in this dark world.  The glory of God shining in each of us as believers should be noticeable.  It shouldn't dim as life gets difficult.  It shouldn't slowly burn out as faith gets old and comfortable.  It's a renewable source that we can choose to "arise and shine" in.

It's been such a hard few months for us as a family.  We have struggled with living apart, a new seizure disorder that feels like we're never going to get on top of, college applications for our oldest child, and countless other pressures.  There are moments in everyday when that light that is supposed to shine feels far away.  I feel alone and in the dark.  I can't see and don't really understand what is going on.  It doesn't feel like I'm walking in light.  That's when faith steps in and the promise of his words speak to my heart:  Ephesians 5:8  For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.

As a human, I desperately desire to see where I'm going.  The last three weeks filled with seizures and every precarious moment in between are not the vision I had in mind.  In those times, I may find that I'm looking out of the window of a plane and see the sun go down; I see lights turn on in homes that I pray are filled with light that man can't make and I suddenly feel noticed and cared for by the one who made it all.  I am blessed by Shining Lights. 



Believing Truth

Monday has rolled around again and I can't believe I haven't posted anything since last Monday. 

Time flies.  But so do praises.

This week I am praising God for truth.  The truth of His word that does not change, confuse, or falter.  A truth that breathes fresh in to my life every single time I make the choice to read it.  It never fails me. 

I am doing a bible study right now about spiritual armour of God.  The Belt of Truth is the subject of week one. As I studied this week I discovered that we believe a whole lot of lies about ourselves, people.  We really don't even need the enemy to plant them because we are more than willing to tell them to ourselves. 

I'm not good enough.  If only I was a better mom; a better housekeeper; more organized, then I could have time for God.  If I worked harder.  I don't know enough about the bible to ever mention it to another person.  I can't do it. I don't have any special gifts or talents.  I can only do what I'm doing.  I can't handle it.  Everyone is better at everything than me.  God can't see me.  He doesn't care. 

We believe it all.  At one point or another in our lives have all probably felt unworthy, unloved, and just plain old not good enough. 

Today is Praise Monday though, and we don't have to believe those lies.  Today, we praise the Lord because each one of us is fearfully and wonderfully made.  Because the Creator of the Universe turned His eyes to you and molded and shaped and LOVED you into existence.  Today there is a truth that wants to replace the lies in your life and mine. 

Ephesians 1:13-14
And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.

Did you know that you are marked with a seal?  God sees you and loves you.  He is still molding and shaping you everyday of your life.  When you hear His truth and let it settle on you, there is just no way to walk away unchanged. 

This truth is praise on my lips today. 

Life is really hard.  I fail often and fall far.  Sometimes I believe the lies of the world that turn my head and my heart away from my God.  I get scared and just stop.  Then I remember that I have an inheritance with the King of Kings.  I am sealed and redeemed.  
Every minute of every day we can look anywhere and find reasons to complain or reasons to praise God.  When we turn our eyes to the reason we should complain and see praise, we can say "it is well with my soul" and experience a new peace; truth in our lives.


P.S. My girls are doing well today and so for today I offer praise. Emily started on the third combination of seizure meds on Friday after the first two didn't work. I think she's doing better. It's wonderful to see her moving back towards being herself again.