Randoms

~ We made it!  I got through what I was dreading most when Abby died.  The first Birthday without her.  I was very, very sad the days leading up to it, but when it actually came, I was alright.  I enjoyed spending the day with Emily and our family.  The day before, I took time to really think of Abby.  I cried and looked at pictures and video.  I wanted to remember all the good things about her amazing personality.  On Sunday we focused on Emily.  We went to church and then to her restaurant of choice...Red Lobster.  I thought the food was gross, but she loved it, so that's all that counts.  Then we came home, had a short "remembering Abby" few moments, and spent the rest of the day hanging out.  It was low key, but perfect for where we were.

Emily requested a Strawberry Cake! It was yummy. We didn't have enough candles, but don't tell!

She needed a new doll.  That would be Glory's fault.

She has coveted this Owl Quilt from Target for a while.  Owl's are her favorite animal and she LOVED this gift :) It had other animals, such as squirrel and porcupine's on it too.  Given Emily's severe skunk phobia, I was slightly concerned, but alas, all is well.

~ My friend said she would release a balloon for Abby, which I thought was a sweet idea.  I bought 5 purple balloons, one for each of us, which we wrote short messages on to release.  In true Cushman style, it changed a bit.  Jeff's cousin ended up being here to pick up her two cats. We watched them for her while she was out of town, so we gave her a balloon, and Emily and I shared.  Then out in the driveway, we were cutting the strings off (I'm always worried a critter will get tangled in it when it falls) Sarah popped her balloon.  She quickly added a message to Emily and mommy's shared balloon, tied her broken one to it, and we were back on track. 

~ Monday and Tuesday, my sweet friend from Florida came to spend some time with me.  She did the program for Abby's memorial service while she was on vacation, which was a huge sacrifice and blessing.  She did an amazing job.

We literally talked for 2 days in a way that only women can :)  Her handsome son graduated to Heaven in June, 2011.  He had CP like Emily and Abby and just as much personality and light.  It was good to talk about our children.  Struggles and joys.  I hope Tim and Abby already know each other.  I think having that time with Kathi to reflect was really helpful for where I am.

She also inspired me to get my booty back to the gym.  I have an appointment on Friday. 

~ Speaking of Friday and gyms, be prepared for whining and complaining about everything on the back side of my body that hurts.  Also, my front.  And the top of my head.  And definitely my feet.  Possibly my elbow or knee. 

~ After my friend left yesterday, I watched the baby and his brother again for a few hours.  They are so cute!  Then, I spent the afternoon removing small puppies worth of dog hair from the house, which I will probably do again. 

~ My husband would like for me to say "GO RAVEN'S!!!".  He is thrilled that his team is going to the Super Bowl.  We are having a small party on Sunday.  If my jaw isn't included in the list of things that hurt from the gym on Friday, I will eat a lot of really bad, yummy, greasy food.  It will make up for the pain of going to the gym.

~I'm headed to Bible Study this morning.  Habakkuk is the book.  :)  I don't know why I just laughed at myself for rhyming Habakkuk.  Lame.  Anyway,  I will not miss the minor prophets.  Just reading old testament is exhausting, much less imagining having to live under that law to stay right with God.  Thank God for Jesus, and the new testament :)

~ Happy Thursday!

Pain

As Abby's birthday approaches (it's Sunday), I find myself with a new, very constant, companion.

Pain.

For the first time, I physically hurt. My chest feels like a vice grip is clamped from the inside. It feel like I could easily throw up at any moment. It hurts to lose someone you love. I think I'm definitely slow because it's been nearly five months, and there hasn't been a single day as hard as the days leading up to her birthday are.

I wish there were words for what I feel. There really aren't. Those who have lost someone close to them know this heart pain, and others, I hope you never do.

I'm not sure there is much I can do about this, other than get through it. I'm just dealing with each day as it comes. It's much harder because I want Emily to enjoy her birthday. I don't want her to feel sad unless she just does. When I talk about what she wants to do, I have to just ignore that awful sinking feeling and smile at her.
She deserves to be celebrated just as much as Abby is missed.

I took some comfort in being able to watch this little punkin today. He's the son of a lady in my bible study. Baby cuddles just make me smile, no matter what I'm going through.








Our hospice social worker stopped by and brought this little gift. We molded Abby sweet hand when she was sick, and I just got it. It's sort of an Abby gift for me. I miss those little fingers.




It also snowed a little today, which was sweet. Emily and Sarah came home 3 hours early because of the weather. It was extremely ICY! Jeff was going to get Hannah from school for the weekend for Emily's birthday, but his car spun out off the interstate on the ice. Thank God, he didn't hit anything and was able to get back on the road, but it wasn't safe to continue.

He came home, we played, sled down our icy driveway, and had breakfast for dinner. It helped. Laughing some, spending time with my family, and thinking of Abby. All of it helped a little.

As awful as it is to have to celebrate a birthday without our girl, I know we are blessed too. There is a lot of good in our lives, even with the pain.


 

Good

My kids are off from school today and tomorrow, and because of our unexpected snow day, they ended up with 5 days.

I used to dread long breaks because it was so hard to take care of four little ones. Now that we have two at home, and they are older, we are actually learning to have some fun. We LOVED the snow.











Before the snow fell, Emily had a neurology appointment. Her seizures have been more stable than they have in years. She gained 3 1/2 pounds, which still leaves her at a peanut-sized 63 1/2 pounds. She feels heavy, but she'll be 15 in a week. She's still tiny, but healthy.

The cool news from that visit was that during her 2 day EEG, they looked at overall brain health. They measure the intelligence areas in the back of the brain. There's a 1-10 scale, and a normal person would be 8-10. Someone with a brain injury like Emily would expectedly fall in the 5-7 range or even lower. She said people with diabetes or Parkinson's even have lower numbers.

Emily's number was 8.5. That means if you didn't know she was a child in a wheelchair that couldn't talk, she would expect to see a typically intelligent child. Her brain activity in all higher thinking areas was consistent with that of her peers. In one single are of life, she's on an even field.

I know that number doesn't change who Emily is, but it feels amazing to get good news. I can't tell you how many times I've doubted myself for pushing so hard for education, and to keep her in general education. I wasn't sure she understood, but I knew in my heart that exposure to at least an elementary education couldn't hurt her. I had to fight tooth and nail for it, but learned as she did.

In Florida, if a child couldn't do everything a typical child does, and Emily's case, that includes written responses, they try to place them on a special needs track. There is nothing wrong with that, if it's an appropriate placement. Abby was on that track because her visual impairment made it very difficult for her. She understood as much as Emily did, but her disabilities made typical education something she wasn't as interested in. She was a hard worker, though, and learned too, just at a different pace. Emily liked a challenge, so we tried to keep her in the game. I personally believe that EVERY child should be stay in general education through elementary school, unless it is too difficult emotionally. So what if they don't retain what others do. You will never hurt them by trying, but we know that harm is done by not stimulating that developing little brain.

Now that we are in North Carolina, and don't have to fight so hard for everything, we are discovering that, like any child, she has strengths and weaknesses. She probably does have a ceiling to what she's able to process, but it is much higher than anyone in early education ever imagined. So every tear filled meaning I sat through, every call to an attorney I made, every letter I wrote, and moment I begged to have her included came rushing back to me in at neurologists office. Finally, someone else looked me in the eye and said what I knew. This child can and should learn.

I knew Emily was understanding, and I knew she was a much happier child outside of that awful Florida educational system, but sometimes a little outside validation is a wonderful thing to have.

They also looked at overall brain health, which was very important to me. Because there was a neurological component to Abby's illness, and her brain/body communication was disrupted, I worried about the same thing happening to Em. Nothing says it won't, but her overall brain health looked good on EEG.

It was good, good news. I've learned to always prepare for the worst, so hearing unexpected good things is wonderful. I am so thankful to God for this time. I've prayed for a period of easy for our family. We've endured 3 long years of difficult. How sweet it is to have a few days of "good".

When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover
anything about their future. Ecclesiastes 7:14 (niv)


 

Snow day!

It's our first official snow day this year! Lots of excitement :)