Bad Blogger

I've been a bad blogger.  The kids have been sick lately.  On and off, not terribly, just enough to not-go-to- school sick.  I haven't had all of them at school on the same day for 4 straight weeks now.  This would normally send me into some sort of tail spin, panicky, out of control place that makes me no fun to be around.  I usually need time to regroup in this nutty life of mine.

I'm simply not as overwhelmed as I would expect to be right now.  I'm think I'm okay.  It's strange to feel that way in the middle of so much chaos and life pulling in all directions.  I think I am finally allowing God to do what he has wanted to do for me; he has taken my yoke upon him because his burden is light and mine is heavy.  I don't think I realized what that meant before now.  I've read that verse so many times and wondered how does he take my burdens?  He doesn't babysit.  He isn't feeding or changing diapers or cooking, cleaning, worrying....  What does that mean?

In the last four weeks, my daughter had surgery and was in the hospital for a week, I had my in laws come in town unexpectedly one hour after I brought Abby home--they stayed a week, worked with an advocacy group on a federal lawsuit on behalf of my daughters' educational rights, called everyone from the President of the United States,  Governor, to state representatives and written countless letters about standardized testing and children who use computers to access their education; and then sent my brave child to school to take this test she can not access because it is the law, attended bible study, church, and Girls Scouts (I was cookie girl--oh heaven--that could have sent anyone over the edge), started a closed Face Book group bible study with my friends to encourage each other to keep up with our bible time, nursed my family one by one through a nasty stomach virus, carpooled and taxied kids  and whatever else mothers spend their time doing day in and out and I think I might still be sane (do crazy people know they're crazy?--question for another blog maybe :).

When I look back at it, I think it's a pretty impressive list. What is amazing about all that is that I am not extraordinary.  I am so unbelievably stagnant on my own, sometimes I can't remember if I've brushed my own teeth, and occasionally don't care.  I didn't make that list because I am capable of doing any of it.  I made it because I stand in awe of what God is capable of.  He gives me strength that I absolutely do not have.  The fact that I am nothing special beyond being his child means that anything that seems extraordinary in your life can be accomplished if it is in his will.  Sharing my burden may not mean physically being in my house with me and picking up my kids.  It means that he gives me strength and wisdom when I need it to accomplish his purpose.  It requires trust.  I have to let it go and know that ultimately his plan and his ways are above mine.

A few years ago after a definite "wilderness experience" God gave me a life verse.  I had always wanted one.  I loved many verses in the bible, but none of them called me.  I was at the end of my own very short rope when I was brought to this verse:

Hebrews 13:20-21
May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the Glory for ever and ever.  Amen.

It is the calling on my life.  That God would equip me to do his will.  I love that this short verse brings me to his covenant with his people, with the reminder that it is eternal.  The entire purpose of my life is to bring Glory to God. 

At the end of one of the most difficult months I've had in years I should be overwhelmed and stressed, but I am not.  I trusted God to take care of me, to share my burden and equip me, and he did.  Our God is and awesome God.  Extraordinary.

I have believed in him for so long, attended regular bible study, prayed--did everything a girl should do and yet I didn't know how to lighten my load.  I knew he wanted me to, but I panicked and ran.  Sometimes I just stopped and couldn't do one more thing, no matter how much it needed to be done.  I certainly still have those moments.  I am still afraid and I stop sometimes, but only for a moment.  I pray continuously that I would be in his will, I believe he guides me, I know he equips me. 

So at the end of this day, I'm not such a great blogger, really not a great multi tasker, completely ordinary-- with a God who asks no more of me than to say "yes".   I get to say yes Lord.  I am allowed to be more than I am.  If each day, each of us said Yes!--what would God's kingdom on this earth look like?