Breath of Life

The Spirit of God has made me,
And the breath of the Almighty gives me life.  Job 33:4

Abby just called for me.  It's 9:46 p.m. and I heard the little "eeehh" on the monitor that tells me she's uncomfortable.  I walked to her room, just as I do several times every night and turned the little body she can't turn herself.  I surrounded her with pillows to keep her in place for a while, looked up and saw the fan going. 

I laid my head on the pillow with my girls' and pressed my forehead to hers.  I stayed for a few moments, just being close to her while she was drifting off to sleep.  So often I lay with her, for her, because she needs someone near.  I surprised myself for feeling such a strong pull to be close to her for me. 

I was thinking of how I had turned her; of the way this 12 year old girl felt in my arms---then she exhaled as I inhaled.  I breathed her air.  Her sleepy breath, a mix of strawberry toothpaste and milk.  My lungs filled with air that had just a moment ago been life to my child.  Breath of life.  As I held her breath in my body, I was instantly filled with the desire to breathe back into her a new life.  How I wished that I could lie so intimately close to her and breathe into her what I hadn't been able to provide in my womb.  Air, oxygen that would open her world to possibility.  I exhaled, knowing that yet again, I couldn't give her a life that I so strongly desired for her.

Then I thought of God as he breathed life into Adam.  The same intimate exchange I had shared with my own child.  I thought of God creating the world, looking around and knowing it was good.  Adam, formed by dust, and God, his creator, leaning close to His son and breathing in life, possibility, love, trust, you, me. 

I thought of the air of a living God breathing into me.  The sometimes lifeless, broken me.  I wonder, as I am created in his image; does he press his head close to mine, when I am unaware?  Does he step into my heart as it needs turning?  Does he look at what is broken in me the way I look at my broken child and want new life for me?  Does he exhale and know that I won't get out of the way so that He can fill me with all of Him, with life I so desperately seek? 

The breath of the Almighty gives me life.  Try to imagine the same God that breathed life into every living being, standing by, waiting, wishing you would pull Him in every part of you.  The breath of the Almighty in every cell, nourishing and renewing. 

Dear Father in Heaven, may I learn to breathe it in daily, completely, and as sweetly as my Abby.

A thin line

Well, it's official.  I am a single mother (okay, so not exactly). 

Jeff left and is now in and out of our home on various weekends until we move to North Carolina with him. 

It was really sad for me to see him go.  I felt a little like a teenager watching her boyfriend go away to college.  I find this situation strange and to quote Little Women,  myself strange in it.  I discovered a very thin line between faith and terror that runs through my heart like a vein.  It takes a conscious act of will to allow faith to fill in when terror claws at my every thought. 

Am I crazy to think I can take care of my girls alone, even for one day?
No, Andrea, God knew that you needed to be here, He will equip you.

What if something bad happens or one of the children get sick.  What if they need to be in hospital?  What will I do?
You have a church family, helpers, friends.  God does not leave and He does not abandon.  Trust Him.

What if I fail.  What if I am not enough?  What happens when they need what you can't give them.  Abby is Jeff's little buddy and was heart broken when she realized her dad was gone.  Hannah talks with him every night as he's getting Abby ready for bed, she tells him about her day.  Can they do without that?  Even if it's for the greater good?
Take every thought captive.  Panic is not from God.  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

As thought after thought, situations, possibilities, illnesses, the tornado warning that flashed across the T.V. screen last night crash through my mind like relentless waves, I have to counter them with the word of God; with the words that I know are truth.  I stop my own thoughts and run to his, speak to him in prayer.  Faith can be very hard work.

I have to remind myself over and over to trust Him, trust the one who created you.  Trust the God who sees the beginning; El Elyon: The Lord Most High.  El-Shaddai:  The God who is sufficient for the needs of His people.

Trust Him.

I would love to know how or when you have trusted God when through human eyes, it seems impossible to make it through.  I am on the second day of this particular journey.  The finish line seems far, far away.  How do you deal with struggles you know are far beyond your ability to handle on your own?

Everything New

Isaiah 43:8-9
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way for you Andrea, in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

I'm back.  After two weeks away from my regular everyday life, I am back.  Sort of. 

I came home, but nothing is the same.  My entire life changed while I was away.  Now I have to figure out how I'm going to live it. 

Even in the midst of so much change, I have many praises for answered prayers right now.

Jeff got the job he wanted.  Yay!  Praise God!  He is now programing 5 radio stations in North Carolina.  He left while Emily and I were at CCI.  He came back for Emily's graduation, but basically NC is his home now.  We have never really lived apart and my husband, for all intents and purposes, moved out while I was gone.  It is unsettling.  I'm a little afraid I won't be able to do it all on my own, and in concession to honesty, I'm a little afraid I can.  We have a carefully orchestrated working relationship that enables us to get everything accomplished on a daily basis; I can't imagine being able to bounce in and out of each others lives for an entire year.  On a more personal note, I am going to miss my husband.  I feel good about Hannah finishing high school here, but I really am going to miss him coming home every night.  We are separate, but not separated.  Weird.

Emily has her new service dog.  She is so happy.  It is a pleasure to see her face light up when she sees her dog.  She doesn't have many things in her life that really matter to her.  This does.  That little furry face changes my sweet girls face.  She smiles a huge Emily smile; she is proud of her dog and herself.  She uses her little voice that only says "ya" to encourage her dog Nola.  She is a mama, when in human life she probably never will be.  God blesses us in many ways.  I love how unique His love is. 

Emily meeting Nola

Nola

I spoke for the first time and feel like it went well.  I loved being able to share what God has done in my life.  I feel his hand on me; it makes me anxious and excited to do whatever it is He wants me to do.  I am thankful for the opportunity to do something I really enjoy doing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kC74e49Cl8

My girls are healthy all doing well.  We even have a new boyfriend in our lives.  Hannah turned 17 and has a new friend.  We'll see if my heart can take it!

God brought us to this place of change and that means He will bring us through.  I have a year of transitions ahead of me.  He is doing a new thing.  Even though I am a little nervous about the moment to moment and logistics, I am excited about  Jesus making a way in the desert for me.