More

I'm preparing to leave for She Speaks, a speaker/writer conference I've wanted to go to for the last few years.  I am so excited that I have the opportunity to do so this year.  I have to write a 3 minute talk about my story and a five minute teaching talk about a bible verse.  The bible verse was easy, anything about my story in a few minutes is impossible. 

It doesn't help that it has been really, really hard taking care of the girls alone lately.  Because it's summer and I have them all the time and going to North Carolina was so much work, I'm feeling tired and overwhelmed by it all.  I am so small and yet I feel like I live a giant life, I want to shine a light on my God who is infinitely bigger than my giant life.  I should be able to say that, but instead I only feel incredibly inadequate.

This morning, I was giving Abby her bottle.  Yes, she still gets a bottle.  It's the only way she can drink enough.  I even have to cut the nipple to make it come out faster because otherwise she wouldn't get enough fluids.  Anyway, Abby NEEDS to know the plan all the time.  She drives us all a little nuts with it.  Ma (more)  ma (more).  Everyday, over and over we tell her what's up!  Her version of "more" is one of her few words.  We respond to her "ma" with: you want to know where everyone is?  You want to know the plan?  "Ya" she says.  Tell me more Momma, where is everyone?  What are they doing?  Tell me again Momma, "Ma".  So I'm feeding her and telling her about our day and she keeps asking for "ma". 

I'm already feeling tired of doing it and it's only 8:30 in the morning.  I ask her "you always want more Abby, don't you?  More-- where is everyone?  More-- what are we doing today?  More-- what's the plan?  More-- what's for breakfast?  More, more, more, more, more, more.  You just want it all, don't you?

She looked up and answered me.  "Ya." 

That's it.  Simply Yes.  I want more.  I want you to tell me what I want to know.  I'm not sorry I want to know, I don't feel at all bad about asking a thousand times a day.  I want to know it allll. 

Part of me is envious of the simplicity of her need and her answer.  I'm feeling overwhelmed.  Why is it that I can't just say, I need something...anything.  I need a minute.  I need prayer.  I need grace.  I need forgiveness for feeling so ungrateful when God has been so faithful.  I need "more" sometimes.

She needs something and she asks for it.  She expects to receive it.  She's not disappointed if it doesn't come, she just tries again..."ma".

Emily doesn't waist much time on the words, she just screams at me.  "Ask me nicely, Emily.  I want to help you."  Ahhhhhh!  It's this sort of NOW!  She's still asking with expectation, just a little louder.

Maybe sometimes we all just need a little more.  Maybe we just need to know how to ask for it.  Pray for it.  Expect it. 

Maybe if I work at it for a while I will be able to squeeze my big life and my even bigger God into 3 minutes.  I don't think I can do it alone, so tonight I pray for just a little "ma", Lord.  "Ma" of you, less of me.  "Ma" of your words, less of my thoughts.  More remembering how blessed I am to be able to speak at all, more being grateful for "ma".