One year later...

"No one cares about this.....no one can relate to me." I told my husband with my first post.
"That doesn't matter" he answered.
"If you feel like your supposed to write it, it's not up to you what God does with it. If no one ever reads it, if no one gets it, if you discover you actually can't write, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you do what you hear God asking you to do".

I love those words. I think of them often and in many areas of my life. All we can do is what God is asking us to do, even when it's scary. I knew this would be a year of transitions; I could sense it. Looking back over my year, I'm so thankful I've been able to write some of it down.

Exactly one year ago today I started a blog.  A Cyber-diary.  I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted from it or for it. I was terrified to put my heart and my thoughts out there for all to see.  I still am.  Every single time I hit the "publish post" button I hold my breath and click. 

Why would anyone want to be so exposed? 

I honestly just felt like God said "it's time".  I've always known I would share my story.  I live a life that is so much bigger than I could ever dream of being.  It is only by the grace of God that I can manage it at all.  I wanted to point to Him; to show his light.  I wanted someone, anyone to see how small I am and how truly great He is. 

Sometimes it's lonely having children like I do.  I don't know anyone with two children with CP like Emily and Abby.  I'm sure they are there, I've just never met them.  I've never been able to ask another mom what she does when both of her 12 year old non-verbal children are crying at the same time?  How do you feed them or manage their educations?   Somehow putting it into words helps me work through it.  It's hard to work out all that's going on, many times I just write...I keep typing letters and laying it down.  It's always good to lay it down. 

I've appreciated the love and encouragement I've received.  Most of all, I appreciate knowing how very much the same we all are when I feel so different.  I've heard over and over again the way people relate to how I've felt in their own circumstance.  I wanted to share about the life of children with disabilities and the heart of a mother.  I've discovered a precious fact through this year; it doesn't really matter what the circumstance may be, the emotion and solutions are the same.  God given feelings, God restored lives.  It comforts me. 

I committed to one year of writing and I have to say I enjoy it.  I wish I had more time and courage to say what I want to say, but I'm getting there.  I've learned a lot about blogging in general which is easily summed up by saying I don't know much about blogging (like I just realized this week that I had a twitter bird on my site that's not connected to a tweet:).  But again, I'm learning. 

I'm thankful for anyone who has taken the time to see me. I hope you are all seeking after our amazing God who does more than we can ask or imagine--even through a blog.  

I'll leave you with my very first post.

Where to begin, where to begin? 12/9/2009


What does an inside view of living life with disabled children look like? I think it's hard to know where to begin because the only constant in my life is that everything is subject to change. The world around me moves and I have no control over it. That's tough for a control freak to deal with. I would like to think that I have some ability to move life in the direction I want to see it go. It seems like other people do.

I think my girls wish for some measure of control too, a way to influence their environment. When I feel out of control, I pray knowing that God hears me. It calms me. I encourage Emily and Abby to pray for the same reasons. I tell them that God can hear their words even if I can't. I hope they understand, but it must be hard for them to know how to have a conversation with God when they have never had a conversation with anyone else. I try to imagine what God hears when they talk to him. Do words that can't be spoken on earth shout in heaven? I want them to hear him answer them and to know his presence. I want him to whisper to their hearts that He will never leave or forsake them. I want him to whisper to my heart too.

I believe that imperfect children and imperfect lives are a constant reminder of Gods promises. The promise of eternal life for those who believe. The promise that one day all of the heartache of this world will be forgotten. That they will be healed and whole. That I will be healed and whole. They remind me to pray for my own attitude and responses before I pray for God to change theirs.

Their lives have asked me to bear witness to suffering, to do what I can to change it, and when I can't, to hold their hand. They have asked me without words to speak for them. They have asked me to feed and dress them when they can't. To patiently wait for them to do what they can for themselves. To encourage them when they try. They ask me to believe in them when no one else does. To carry them through, and to walk beside. They have asked me to be Christ-like. They have reminded me of what He did for me.

In my ever changing completely out of control life I do have one choice that is mine. It is the only control I really have and it is a choice that is made day after day. How will I choose to respond? When all of those questions are asked of me, when I am praying to just get through minutes at a time, how will I choose to respond? Not just in my actions, but in my heart and my head.

We all walk this journey of response. It is one I have struggled with. I will be doing so this year with you! Welcome to my crazy life!

Psalm 71:14-16
But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
Of your salvation all day long,
Though I know not its measure.
I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.