Optimistic

Our last week has been busy, but not bad. Abby is doing better on her new formula, and although she's had a few problems, better is a blessing. She had to go to Dr. today because of some bleeding from her g-tube site and the colon. It wasn't a lot, but enough to bring her in.

As the Dr. examined her, he thought he felt a mass in her abdomen. Paired with the blood, she was sent to x-ray, lab, and have an ultrasound and CT scan ordered.

That doesn't sound good, I know, but a strange thing happened. Everyone in the office was concerned. Except me. I know she doesn't have a mass. I know there is nothing to worry about. I felt peaceful. I was a little concerned about a blockage in her intestine, but not anything else.

As I sat waiting for yet another x-ray, I started to think of Abby going back to school in the fall. I began to make plans in my head. Then she almost flipped herself off the table and I had to pay attention. ;)

I don't know why I believed for the first time today that just maybe she'll be alright. Actually it wasn't a great day, but she was okay through it. Maybe there's a limit to emotional turmoil and I just couldn't muster anxiety for another day. I also know she's fine. We'll do the scans and they'll tell me she's fine.

He did add 2 meds to deal with the current concerns. When I got home, her wonderful Dr. called to tell me her labs could have been better, but they definitely could have been (and have been) worse. Her belly x-ray didn't show a mass (no surprise), but he still wants the other tests.

All in all, not bad. I'm optimistic, and hopeful that she will finally move past all of this. The Broviac is more than 6 months old and looks better than the day it went in. I want it out before it doesn't. I'm not going to worry about that. I'm just going to try to focus on her going back to school and finally having some time to catch up.

Not being worried or anxious today changed nothing other than me. Abby's blood work and scans are what they are. All the worry in the world wouldn't change that. She will go to school when she's ready, so fretting about when that will be is useless. Getting worked up over complications has obviously been pointless this year, so why? Why do we so often go there?

For me, it's an impotent attempt at control. I want to fix it, so I worry about it. It's all I can do. That's what I tell myself, but it's absolutely not what I should do.
I should:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7 (nkjv)

I think today, I finally understood that verse.



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