~Erma Bombeck
We have had a busy, but wonderful time vacationing over spring break. It's strange to be able to hop in the car and go. There wasn't a day we were gone that I didn't think of Abby, but we still had a great time together.
I certainly have terrible days that I miss Abby so much, I don't know what to do. Sometimes I spend time searching through her pictures over 14 1/2 years of expressions on that little face. Some days my heart breaks just thinking of looking at her picture.
Most days, however, I feel okay. I have joy in my life from the family that God gave me, and time I was blessed enough to have Abby Grace in my life. It leaves me feeling confused and wondering if okay is okay.
I don't really want to be alright in a world that doesn't include Abby. I want to hold on to her as long as I can. It kills me to think I could forget any part of her life. When God gave me the privilege of being that girls mama, He knew He would also be giving me the task of remembering her. It's very important to me to carry my girl with me in the life I have left, and hopefully one day, share her with grand-babies.
Where I am now, seems to be in a strange land where hard days are easier for me. Days when I am immersed in memories, or even in pain, bring an unexpected comfort. I am so used to hurting, and even worrying over Abby, that it doesn't feel natural to be at peace with where she is. I know how to deal with stress and difficulty. It's a very comfortable place for me, although I didn't realize it until now. I may not enjoy living that way, but having lived under such extreme circumstances the last three years, I understand it.
I don't understand okay yet. I almost panic for a split second. How can a mother laugh without her daughter? The days that continue to move me further away from overwhelming grief are scary. Who am I if I'm not caregiver to a very sick child?
Abby's care was all-consuming, and I am thankful I was able to be there for my daughter in that way. I miss her, and I definitely miss taking care of her. I miss being so purposeful each day. I know that's crazy, because in the middle of it, I was exhausted and just wanted it to be over for all of us.
Every day, I laugh with my kids, hold Emily, wrestle with dogs, make dinners, hang with my husband, and basically live life. An okay life. Even a good life. Many days, a happy one that doesn't seem like it should be. Days that leave me wondering, if okay will ever feel okay.
It's an addiction of sorts. That need to be in a comfortable place. I don't think it's healthy or biblical to hold on to pain. I wish it wasn't comfortable to hold on to it. I feel like Abby is more present in the pain, and that is NOT the way I want to remember her. Comfortable places really are addictive. Isn't it crazy that those places are sometimes where we don't even want to be?
I believe that's why we continue to pattern back when God consistently tries to move us forward. Comfortable always feels right, even when it's wrong.
So, I still wonder, when it comes to Abby, is okay okay?
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