Mother's Day

I remember my first Mother's Day. I briefly thought of what it might mean when I was pregnant with Hannah, but I was probably too young to think of it with anticipation. Then she was born, and life changed beautifully. Then, I understood being a mom.

Those firsts are the ones I remember most vividly. I think most of us do. So of course this first one without one of my babies is memorable, but in a way I wish it wasn't. I always thought I took so many pictures but looking back, there aren't many of me with Abby. It was such a mistake to let silly things keep me from smiling next to my girl.

My hair was a mess, or I had fuzz growing on my teeth. I thought I didn't want pictures of that, but I did. I look through my bins of pictures (yes, scrapbookers, I said bins) and even ones I wouldn't put in an album or on Facebook are precious now. So few times did I stop to snap a picture of something as normal as holding her in my arms. When I finally did stop to take pictures, she was so sick, they aren't nice pictures.

12 years of her life at least 3 times a day, Abby drank from a baby bottle. I held her in my arms and fed her, and I don't have a single picture of it. It was just so normal, why would I take a picture? The pictures I do have of her being held, I'm holding the camera. I know it's alright and I just have to get over it. There's nothing I can do about it now, except to tell you all to stop for a second and take a picture of nothing.

Not smiling, not posed. Just a picture of the most ordinary moment of your day, when you're exhausted, or waking up snuggling. Keep a few that aren't for everyone else. I know that most people aren't going to lose children (thank you Lord!), but there is a place in my heart that longs for those little moments with all of my kids. It's so hard to imagine forgetting any of it. It is wonderful to see smiling faces on film, but as a mom, the minutes that made up every hard day are the ones I try to remember most.

None of my girls want to be held anymore, so my ordinary moments are few and far between now. Hindsight is, of course, 20/20.

In the end I had a great day. Church, lunch, a great nap (the best part about having older kids), and they all helped me plant a small garden. I couldn't have asked for more. We even snapped a few pictures :)