Well, it's official. I am a single mother (okay, so not exactly).
Jeff left and is now in and out of our home on various weekends until we move to North Carolina with him.
It was really sad for me to see him go. I felt a little like a teenager watching her boyfriend go away to college. I find this situation strange and to quote Little Women, myself strange in it. I discovered a very thin line between faith and terror that runs through my heart like a vein. It takes a conscious act of will to allow faith to fill in when terror claws at my every thought.
Am I crazy to think I can take care of my girls alone, even for one day?
No, Andrea, God knew that you needed to be here, He will equip you.
What if something bad happens or one of the children get sick. What if they need to be in hospital? What will I do?
You have a church family, helpers, friends. God does not leave and He does not abandon. Trust Him.
What if I fail. What if I am not enough? What happens when they need what you can't give them. Abby is Jeff's little buddy and was heart broken when she realized her dad was gone. Hannah talks with him every night as he's getting Abby ready for bed, she tells him about her day. Can they do without that? Even if it's for the greater good?
Take every thought captive. Panic is not from God. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
As thought after thought, situations, possibilities, illnesses, the tornado warning that flashed across the T.V. screen last night crash through my mind like relentless waves, I have to counter them with the word of God; with the words that I know are truth. I stop my own thoughts and run to his, speak to him in prayer. Faith can be very hard work.
I have to remind myself over and over to trust Him, trust the one who created you. Trust the God who sees the beginning; El Elyon: The Lord Most High. El-Shaddai: The God who is sufficient for the needs of His people.
Trust Him.
I would love to know how or when you have trusted God when through human eyes, it seems impossible to make it through. I am on the second day of this particular journey. The finish line seems far, far away. How do you deal with struggles you know are far beyond your ability to handle on your own?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Everything New
Isaiah 43:8-9
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way for you Andrea, in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
I'm back. After two weeks away from my regular everyday life, I am back. Sort of.
I came home, but nothing is the same. My entire life changed while I was away. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to live it.
Even in the midst of so much change, I have many praises for answered prayers right now.
Jeff got the job he wanted. Yay! Praise God! He is now programing 5 radio stations in North Carolina. He left while Emily and I were at CCI. He came back for Emily's graduation, but basically NC is his home now. We have never really lived apart and my husband, for all intents and purposes, moved out while I was gone. It is unsettling. I'm a little afraid I won't be able to do it all on my own, and in concession to honesty, I'm a little afraid I can. We have a carefully orchestrated working relationship that enables us to get everything accomplished on a daily basis; I can't imagine being able to bounce in and out of each others lives for an entire year. On a more personal note, I am going to miss my husband. I feel good about Hannah finishing high school here, but I really am going to miss him coming home every night. We are separate, but not separated. Weird.
Emily has her new service dog. She is so happy. It is a pleasure to see her face light up when she sees her dog. She doesn't have many things in her life that really matter to her. This does. That little furry face changes my sweet girls face. She smiles a huge Emily smile; she is proud of her dog and herself. She uses her little voice that only says "ya" to encourage her dog Nola. She is a mama, when in human life she probably never will be. God blesses us in many ways. I love how unique His love is.
I spoke for the first time and feel like it went well. I loved being able to share what God has done in my life. I feel his hand on me; it makes me anxious and excited to do whatever it is He wants me to do. I am thankful for the opportunity to do something I really enjoy doing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kC74e49Cl8
My girls are healthy all doing well. We even have a new boyfriend in our lives. Hannah turned 17 and has a new friend. We'll see if my heart can take it!
God brought us to this place of change and that means He will bring us through. I have a year of transitions ahead of me. He is doing a new thing. Even though I am a little nervous about the moment to moment and logistics, I am excited about Jesus making a way in the desert for me.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way for you Andrea, in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
I'm back. After two weeks away from my regular everyday life, I am back. Sort of.
I came home, but nothing is the same. My entire life changed while I was away. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to live it.
Even in the midst of so much change, I have many praises for answered prayers right now.
Jeff got the job he wanted. Yay! Praise God! He is now programing 5 radio stations in North Carolina. He left while Emily and I were at CCI. He came back for Emily's graduation, but basically NC is his home now. We have never really lived apart and my husband, for all intents and purposes, moved out while I was gone. It is unsettling. I'm a little afraid I won't be able to do it all on my own, and in concession to honesty, I'm a little afraid I can. We have a carefully orchestrated working relationship that enables us to get everything accomplished on a daily basis; I can't imagine being able to bounce in and out of each others lives for an entire year. On a more personal note, I am going to miss my husband. I feel good about Hannah finishing high school here, but I really am going to miss him coming home every night. We are separate, but not separated. Weird.
Emily has her new service dog. She is so happy. It is a pleasure to see her face light up when she sees her dog. She doesn't have many things in her life that really matter to her. This does. That little furry face changes my sweet girls face. She smiles a huge Emily smile; she is proud of her dog and herself. She uses her little voice that only says "ya" to encourage her dog Nola. She is a mama, when in human life she probably never will be. God blesses us in many ways. I love how unique His love is.
Emily meeting Nola
Nola
I spoke for the first time and feel like it went well. I loved being able to share what God has done in my life. I feel his hand on me; it makes me anxious and excited to do whatever it is He wants me to do. I am thankful for the opportunity to do something I really enjoy doing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kC74e49Cl8
My girls are healthy all doing well. We even have a new boyfriend in our lives. Hannah turned 17 and has a new friend. We'll see if my heart can take it!
God brought us to this place of change and that means He will bring us through. I have a year of transitions ahead of me. He is doing a new thing. Even though I am a little nervous about the moment to moment and logistics, I am excited about Jesus making a way in the desert for me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
A Doggy Day for Emily
This week, I am preparing to take Emily to Canine Companions for Independence. We check in on Sunday for two weeks of team training.
Emily is so excited. She jumps and kicks in her wheelchair. She can barely contain herself. It's contagious. It makes something that could easily be a pain with so much to do, something I look forward to. I still have a lots to get done before Sunday, but it's becoming more of a joy as I watch her excitement grow.
Like most trips, the packing is tedious, but once we actually get there it will be fun. It will be nice to have only Emily and her dog to worry about. I get to check out of my normal day-to-day life for two whole weeks. Emily is never happier than she is with CCI dogs, so experiencing her joy will be a pure pleasure. With four children, any time I have the opportunity to focus on only one child it's awesome. I really like spending time with Emily. She's funny and smart. She laughs at just the right moment and has recently developed the word "ewww" which she perfectly inserts in to conversations. If she can keep her temper in check, I think it will be a wonderful break from normal life for both of us.
Team training is an intense experience, but our life is usually an intense experience. I still have so many details to work out; somehow, they always do work out though. We are waiting to hear about Jeff's new job any minute now. He may have to leave while we are away, so my contingency plan details have to be worked out too.
Overall it is exciting; Jeff's mom comes in Saturday to stay with Abby. Abby is happy about her Maw Maw and Emily is happy about her dog. Oh how wonderful it is when they are both happy at the same time. Life just feels a million times easier.
Speaking of life, I hear it calling me!
Emily is so excited. She jumps and kicks in her wheelchair. She can barely contain herself. It's contagious. It makes something that could easily be a pain with so much to do, something I look forward to. I still have a lots to get done before Sunday, but it's becoming more of a joy as I watch her excitement grow.
Like most trips, the packing is tedious, but once we actually get there it will be fun. It will be nice to have only Emily and her dog to worry about. I get to check out of my normal day-to-day life for two whole weeks. Emily is never happier than she is with CCI dogs, so experiencing her joy will be a pure pleasure. With four children, any time I have the opportunity to focus on only one child it's awesome. I really like spending time with Emily. She's funny and smart. She laughs at just the right moment and has recently developed the word "ewww" which she perfectly inserts in to conversations. If she can keep her temper in check, I think it will be a wonderful break from normal life for both of us.
Team training is an intense experience, but our life is usually an intense experience. I still have so many details to work out; somehow, they always do work out though. We are waiting to hear about Jeff's new job any minute now. He may have to leave while we are away, so my contingency plan details have to be worked out too.
Overall it is exciting; Jeff's mom comes in Saturday to stay with Abby. Abby is happy about her Maw Maw and Emily is happy about her dog. Oh how wonderful it is when they are both happy at the same time. Life just feels a million times easier.
Speaking of life, I hear it calling me!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
still sad
I'm having a really hard weekend with my girls.
Emily and Abby are twelve years old and they can't talk. It is so frustrating! I can't even imagine what it feels like for them. They cry when they can't talk. They cry and cry and cry, then they scream. Then I cry. I'm completely powerless. I can't fix them, and I dont' know how to help them. Jeff and I really try, but after a while I am so frustrated-- I'm no longer helping things. I get mad and overwhelmed, at the end though, I am simply sad.
After all of these years the loss of parts of them is still so sad, so profound. How can it still be so sad? It's not like I'm surprised that they cry or that I don't understand. I know what sets them off, I know they feed on each others crying, which makes it worse. What I don't know is how to change it.
Hannah had prom tonight, Sarah had a band concert earlier in the day. I couldn't stop everything I was doing and wait patiently for the twins to settle down. What we were doing had to be done. Emily and Abby spent a lot of time upset while we were busy with their sisters. Hannah left, looking beautiful, and band was over--I think Beethoven may have even survived a group of fourth graders.
I then turned my attention to the still upset Emily. I picked up her stiff little body and wiped her runny nose. She put her head on my shoulder and cried a little more. I felt my own tears coming for my child. How I wish I could take it from her. As I held this long person and swayed with her just as I had done when she was a baby, just as I've done her entire life, I felt sorrow fill my heart. The sudden and raw pain that still jumps into me absolutely shocks me. It happens so rarely now, but it is just as powerful as the day I first learned of her disability.
I'm speaking at my church on Monday night, I wrote about how God healed my heart from so much sorrow and loss. The way He made me new again. Then a really hard day--probably because I wanted it to be a really happy day-- breaks my heart again. How many times can my heart actually break for my little girls? I have a feeling I am going to spend my lifetime finding out. I keep thinking that I might get to a place where it is peaceful to live in the world of disabilities. A place where I can find peace. Does that exist in this human circumstance? God does not give peace as the world gives it. I have to just keep running to him, probably not ever understanding here on earth why we walked such a rutted road. I have to admit, God hurts my feelings a little by not helping me a little more after twelve years of dealing with it. I still trust His plans and His ways, but I'm sad, and sometimes disappointed.
Hebrews 12:12
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame would not be disabled, but rather healed.
This verse means spiritually, but it speaks to me. As a woman, the heart of my home, leveling my path heals my family. I can not make Emily and Abby talk. I can't even make them calm down and communicate. I can help to level the path though. I have to learn to be Jesus to my children, more than I am their mother. To exhibit patience, kindness, self-control, gentleness, goodness.
Today I need to strengthen my feeble arms and weak knees. I need to cry a little, break a little and then rest a little in the arms of the one who holds His child, and maybe feels a little sad too. The sorrow of this world breaks His heart, and the tears of His daughter, he holds in His hand. I pray tonight for my girls, that God would calm their spirits and give them joy, and I dream of the day when there is no more "still sad".
Emily and Abby are twelve years old and they can't talk. It is so frustrating! I can't even imagine what it feels like for them. They cry when they can't talk. They cry and cry and cry, then they scream. Then I cry. I'm completely powerless. I can't fix them, and I dont' know how to help them. Jeff and I really try, but after a while I am so frustrated-- I'm no longer helping things. I get mad and overwhelmed, at the end though, I am simply sad.
After all of these years the loss of parts of them is still so sad, so profound. How can it still be so sad? It's not like I'm surprised that they cry or that I don't understand. I know what sets them off, I know they feed on each others crying, which makes it worse. What I don't know is how to change it.
Hannah had prom tonight, Sarah had a band concert earlier in the day. I couldn't stop everything I was doing and wait patiently for the twins to settle down. What we were doing had to be done. Emily and Abby spent a lot of time upset while we were busy with their sisters. Hannah left, looking beautiful, and band was over--I think Beethoven may have even survived a group of fourth graders.
I then turned my attention to the still upset Emily. I picked up her stiff little body and wiped her runny nose. She put her head on my shoulder and cried a little more. I felt my own tears coming for my child. How I wish I could take it from her. As I held this long person and swayed with her just as I had done when she was a baby, just as I've done her entire life, I felt sorrow fill my heart. The sudden and raw pain that still jumps into me absolutely shocks me. It happens so rarely now, but it is just as powerful as the day I first learned of her disability.
I'm speaking at my church on Monday night, I wrote about how God healed my heart from so much sorrow and loss. The way He made me new again. Then a really hard day--probably because I wanted it to be a really happy day-- breaks my heart again. How many times can my heart actually break for my little girls? I have a feeling I am going to spend my lifetime finding out. I keep thinking that I might get to a place where it is peaceful to live in the world of disabilities. A place where I can find peace. Does that exist in this human circumstance? God does not give peace as the world gives it. I have to just keep running to him, probably not ever understanding here on earth why we walked such a rutted road. I have to admit, God hurts my feelings a little by not helping me a little more after twelve years of dealing with it. I still trust His plans and His ways, but I'm sad, and sometimes disappointed.
Hebrews 12:12
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame would not be disabled, but rather healed.
This verse means spiritually, but it speaks to me. As a woman, the heart of my home, leveling my path heals my family. I can not make Emily and Abby talk. I can't even make them calm down and communicate. I can help to level the path though. I have to learn to be Jesus to my children, more than I am their mother. To exhibit patience, kindness, self-control, gentleness, goodness.
Today I need to strengthen my feeble arms and weak knees. I need to cry a little, break a little and then rest a little in the arms of the one who holds His child, and maybe feels a little sad too. The sorrow of this world breaks His heart, and the tears of His daughter, he holds in His hand. I pray tonight for my girls, that God would calm their spirits and give them joy, and I dream of the day when there is no more "still sad".
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