New Shoes

For the first time in four years, Abby's feet changed sizes and she needed new shoes.  I've bought new shoes for her in the last four years because I wanted to, but in reality she could have worn the same pair the entire time.  She doesn't walk, they don't wear down and her foot didn't seem to grow (fun fact:  weight bearing encourages our bones to grow, so not standing on her feet probably contributed to them being small). 

Abby does not necessarily like change very much, so when she seemed excited about the idea of getting new shoes, I was excited too.  If Abby was going to get shoes, Emily who is a true girl and LOVES shoes should definitely get a new pair also.  So a mall excursion this weekend led to two new pairs each. 

This morning, I picked the girls outfits out so they would look best with the new shoes for summer school.  I got them dressed, fed, and then it was finally time to put the new stompers on their feet.  I  put the last bite of cinnamon raisin toast in a mouth and was thinking all the bloggy thoughts of change and how slowly it can come sometimes.  The words were rolling around my head of how it would come together when I started to put the first shoe on Emily. 

At that exact moment, Abby changed her mind about new shoes.  She freaked out.  She started screaming as I put the shoe on Emily.  I offered to put hers on first, which sent them both through the roof.  My quiet morning slammed head first into chaos.  I only had 10 minutes before the bus came, I still had to brush their hair and teeth and get those darn shoes on their feet.

They kicked and screamed and I fought and pulled and finally got the shoes on them.  They fit great, they looked great.  Why were my crazy girls crying?  I was so mad at them.  It frustrates me when I'm trying to do something good, when I want them to be happy---even over a little thing like new shoes and it turns to dust in a second.  They will probably head to school and be perfectly happy with their shoes; they will likely be fussed over and told how good they look and smile and grin for their teachers while I sit here feeling defeated. 

It bothers me when they start their days upset.  It bothers me when they upset my day.  In 10 short minutes of solid spine curling screaming (it amazes me that no one ever knocks on my door to ask if I'm killing them), I let myself turn from confident mom who bought her girls shoes they loved in the store yesterday into crazy-crying-mom who wants to throw the shoes out in the lawn and be done with it. 

Parenting is just not easy.  Parenting children who can't tell you what in the world is wrong is just frustrating. 

I will pray that Emily and Abby have a good day.  I will yet AGAIN pray about the way I respond to them.  I will also pray for a miracle, I pray that God will heal them, give them the words they so desperately want to say and I so want to hear.  We should never give up on God.  Just because I've prayed for language for 12 years, doesn't mean he'll never give it to them.  I will also try to remember that from both God and my girls, there are still answers, even when there are no words.  I just have to listen really, really hard---which I'm just sayin'---is really, really hard to hear over all that screaming, Lord.