Talkin' about Heaven

Since the day the twins were born, questions about their lives and deaths have entered my mind.  I don't want such thoughts there, but they are.  Nothing is less natural than considering the death of my child.  I know that all of our days are numbered and I may never have to live through losing my daughters, but it would be unwise to think it couldn't happen. 

The events of the last few weeks have brought it to the forefront again.  Emily was so very sick.  I wish I could describe what it felt like to hold her, not just her physical appearance, but the way her little body felt in my arms.  So small, so far from herself.  She just felt "away" from me, and falling further away by the minute.

Even though it seemed distant and hypothetical, I have talked with all of my children about Heaven before.  Emily and Abby more than Hannah and Sarah for obvious reasons.  It's a journey I can't take them on.  I don't get to go and see that they are alright.  When I think about the possibility of death, my greatest concern is that they would be afraid.  What if they are scared or feel alone?

After such a scare with Em,  I feel the need for a more concrete coversation with them. 

What exactly is Heaven?

I tell my girls that it's a wonderful place where God lives.  In heaven there is no sickness.  You will be able to walk and talk.  You can run and sing.  You will never have pain or feel hunger.  It will only seem like a moment to you before Mommy and Daddy are there.  If you ever feel like it's time to go, don't be afraid.  Run to Jesus.  I want so badly for you  to be here with me, but more than that, my prayer for you has always been that you would be free from pain and free from wheelchairs.  My prayer is that you are never, ever afraid. 

I want to prepare them in a way that I can not even prepare myself.  Kid just rock, right?!  I'm crying just writing the words, but children are wonderful at cutting to the heart of the matter.

In my talk with Sarah and Emily, as I'm describing the wonders of Heaven as I see it, I start asking Emily questions. 

Me:  Will there be throw up in Heaven?  (strange question--I know, but Emily has a personal vendetta against puke.  Throw up or sour cream in heaven would be a deal breaker for her)

"Uh-uh" Emily replies, quickly followed by "ewww".  

Me:  That's right Em, no ewww in Heaven.

Sarah pipes in with "maybe you shouldn't be talking about this is front of Emily". 

mmmm, interesting.  What's she worried about? I wonder to myself.

Me: Why not?

Sarah:  Because if there's no throw up in heaven she'll definitely want to live there and she lives here with us.

Emily laughs out loud at that funny thought.

Ahhhh, my precious girl doesn't want to lose a sister.  I understand Sarah, I don't want to lose her either. 

Me:  What about her wheelchair?  It would be great for her to not need that. 

Emily:  Uh-uh (loudly)

Me:  You want your chair with you in Heaven? I ask, completely shocked. 

Emily:  Yeah.

Me:  But Em, you'll be able to walk, you won't need it baby.

Emily:  Uh-uh. 

She wants it, she can't even imagine what it's like to not need it.  It's not a part of healing to her, it's just a part of her.  Could I love her more than I do at this moment?

Me:  What else should be there with you?  (I'm laying in bed with her next to her face which prompts the next question)  How about your toothbrush? You sure need it here.  Do you need that there?

Emily:  Uh-uh. 

Giggles from both of them.  That's enough for tonight.  End with giggling about Heaven and toothbrushes.

She can imagine not needing to brush her teeth and decided food wasn't necessary there, but her chair is.  She looks through such sweet child eyes and lets me see too.

My conversation  made me think about God and what I see as  healing.  Do I limit God to my ideas of what I need?  Emily can't imagine not needing her wheelchair; if I'm honest, I can't imagine it either.  I'm so busy maintaining the status quo that I never open my mind to the infinite possibility that is God. 

As I think about my children and our lives, deaths, and the moments in between I am amazed at God's unfailing love, especially in times when I feel so lost or afraid.  The child He gave to me, that one day He may very well take back, teaches me everyday.  Using her only 5 words she shows me that Heaven is beyond anything I can show her. 

"For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies. Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die..."  1 Corinthians 15:53-54