Faith by numbers

I've had another long day at the hospital with Abby.  It started with a very cranky girl.   I think that may be from the Benadryl she needs every six hours for sensitivity to one of the antibiotics.  It could be making her a little nutty.  We also decided it's possible she's having some seizures, although the doctor says she has so many other problems that it's not worth looking at now.  We all agree that's probably what we're seeing, but she's still pretty sick, so if she's still doing it when she's well we can reevaluate the need for and EEG. 

I'm going to try to make this long day a short  post.  The infectious disease doc came in and spent some time explaining what was going on.  I really liked her a lot.  She explained that the common skin bacteria that never makes kids sick, actually never makes kids sick.  There are only two cases in the literature, both on chemo and neither had the high fevers Abby had.  But Abby has 3 positive cultures for that "bug" as they call it.  It's probably in the line and able to colonize in that small space. 

Sadly, the line must come out.  She goes to the OR in the morning (I'm not sure what time) to take it out.  She will get another line, either PICC or peripheral in the OR too.  I'm really torn about the line she may need.  I'd like a regular old IV, but I don't want to be needing access that we don't have down the road like before.  I'm praying the Lord directs the surgeons hands and she leaves that operating room with the only line she'll need in place. 

The doctors all hope pulling the line will go a long way in helping her get better. 

That was how we thought all day.  I was having a really hard time wrapping my head around Abby being sick from something she shouldn't be sick from.  I couldn't imagine how her immune system could be so low that she acts like a child on chemo.  It made me concerned for her future and exposure to everyday stuff. 

Then around 7pm we heard that the culture DID in fact grow staph neg.  That's not really good news, but it makes a whole lot more sense than what we've been seeing.  The line probably does have that common skin bug, but it's not what made her sick.  It's likely the staph.  I'm not sure how that changes things, but I like not feeling so confused. 

She seemed to be trying to run a little temp this evening.  It went up to 100.4, but her Toradol was due, so it took care of it.  This could be a long road, or it could potentially work out quickly.  Abby does look better today, and had a relatively quiet evening.  Thank God for quiet. 

My friends came by to visit for a bit this evening (thanks for dinner girls) and we started talking about healing.  I reminded them that God is in control and heaven is the ultimate healing.  They commented on my strong faith as I was looking at the monitor to check Abby's O2 sats.  I joked that I had monitor based faith.  I can say those things when Abby's looking better and her numbers are good. 

Later I started to wonder if I really have faith by numbers.  When I don't understand what's going on and I feel confused and afraid, how's my faith hangin?  When she's been sick the last few months I watched the monitors.  When she's home, I look to the labs.  Where's the white count?  Platelets?  (both low by the way)  How's the temp?  How much did she take in or put out? 

When the numbers are good and she's treading water, I find myself saying that God is in control and all of our days are numbered.  I tell people if she can't have quality of life, then I'd rather she be free in heaven.  But let one of those numbers be off.  Let her look bad and all I want is my child fixed.  Not in heaven, but here with me.  Sure, I still trust in God's plan, but the depth of that trust is certainly occasionally about the numbers.

I don't want number faith.  It could be money, time, people, stuff; think of all the ways we count everyday.  My faith should be as immeasurable as God's grace is.   Is prayer only answered when I see the numbers I hope to see?  Of course not.  Is he worthy of my trust only when He does as I've asked?  I hope not. 

Tomorrow I will sign consent again to allow my daughter to go to surgery, to leave that room in pain and confused.  I will let them pump powerful medicines into her that make her feel sick.  I will do this because I can see that it's best for her.  I know that allowing her this pain is actually helping her.  I am trusting that my Father is doing the same for me.

I'm sure I'll still blog a lot of numbers in the coming weeks, but my faith can not live by numbers.  I am going to purpose to live outside of the lines I can see, and trust He who sees all. 

"For we live by faith, not by sight"  2 Cor. 5:7 (niv)