Lines

Abby's in surgery right now getting a new central line.  I just didn't want it.  Jeff was here with her last night and signed all the consents.  I didn't realize he had done that, but I'm glad he did.  I dreaded signing it again as if I'm some how agreeing to what's going on.  I'm not.  I know she needs it, but I seriously considered just taking her home and working on feeds without it. 

I know that it's a plan that won't work, but I want it to just the same.  I want this to be over for her.  I want it to be over for all of us. 

I spent Saturday night and most of Sunday at home and Jeff stayed with Abby.  It was so nice being in my own house without having to think about feedings and fluids.  Emily woke up after 8 am (that's sleeping in :), but she woke up quietly and sweetly.  I fed her and gave her meds, then laid back in my bed and drank my coffee while she watched cartoons.  It was so easy. 

I got up, cleaned, unpacked a few boxes, and organized the house a little.  I walked around completely relaxed for a while.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I want this.  I want to relax in our home.  I want Abby to feel good.  She doesn't though.  She really doesn't.  I'm afraid that her little body can take much more than I think it's fair to ask her to.  I feel guilty for wanting it to be over.  I feel guilty for putting her through so much.  I don't want to feel any of it. 

If all goes well, we'll take her home tomorrow on IV antibiotics and fluids.  Her feed rate is back down to 30, so yet again, we start over.  We are still trying to keep her off of TPN, and so far, so good. 

So a new line it is.  Lines, lines, lines.  Tying us all to this situation.  Eventually it has to break, right?