We had so much fun, but it was a little tough on Emily.
She continues to struggle with seizures, and today was one of those days.
I'm still glad we were able to get out. After spending months at home or in the hospital with Abby, we are trying to stay busy.
When I got home today, I looked through the pictures we took and missed Abby so much it was hard to breathe. She wouldn't have liked what we did today, even if she was well. It would have been too much for her, but seeing a picture of all of us without her broke my heart.
I wanted to touch her little hand again and kiss that face. It's overwhelming to feel so desperate. I've missed her everyday, but suddenly today, I would have given anything for just a few minutes with her. Most days, I feel some peace in knowing she is safe and not in pain. Today, I only wanted her. I will forever be amazed at how selfishly I love her.
If she hadn't been in so much pain and suffering the way she was, I never would have let go. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't go over and over every single second of it. The whys and whens of those last months. There isn't a single minute that I don't wish there had been another choice.
It's like watching the same movie, or rereading a book and wishing for a different ending. Even though I know what happens, each day, in my mind there is a different road we could have taken that led somewhere else. But, with every turn of the page and each new day, it still ends with a mother talking to the air, giving it her daughters name.
My Dear Abby,
You probably can't hear me, and it isn't even fair of me to want you to, but I just have to tell you again that you will always be in this family and with us always.
I know you are safe and joyful where you are. I'm sure you wouldn't come back if you could. But that doesn't keep me from wishing I could see you again. I long to hold you and feel your little hands in mine. I wish you were in our family picture today, healthy and happy.
I imagine you in heaven, surrounded by light and love. I see you with family you've never known, in the presence of God. I love you so much, that it's difficult to imagine that God could love you even more.
I miss you every second of every day. Even though we get up and keep going, we can only do that because you would have. I know that you were strong and brave, so I try to be the same, but deep down, I'm not. You were those things, to the core, and I miss that strength that was all you.
I know there will be many pictures now that I will look at and see only the faint echo of would could have been. You, my girl, there smiling with us.
I have to keep remembering that nothing here could ever compare to where you are.
I love you and miss you. Big!!
Mama
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