Eleven months ago, I struggled with wanting so desperately to hold on to you, and knowing how much you needed peace. I cried every day. I smiled at your sweet face each day too. My heart broke as I felt our time together coming to an end. At the very same moment, I was so proud, and in awe of your strength. You have always amazed me! As hard as you tried, we could all see that you were very sick and unable to do all the things you wanted to. I felt unbelievably sad as you struggled. I missed so much about you, even then.
Today, I miss you even more. I'm desperate for an Abby kiss. I want to feel your little teeth scrape across my cheek and touch the sloppy wet place on my cheek. I think about it almost every day and wonder, if you are perfectly whole in Heaven, does that mean that I will never feel that again? As much as I've always wanted to see you run and play the way your friends could and be completely healthy, today, I want to hold you and feel you curl yourself in to me. I want your strong little head to push my arm out and complain about it as you laugh at me. All I know is my girl with CP, and I kind of want to hold you that way again. It's been 11 months, and I'm still not ready to let you go.
I want to see you smile, and hear your sweet voice. I even wouldn't mind being fussed at for a little while. What I wouldn't give for five minutes. Just to feel you breathe. To know you are here with me. Oh, how I miss you!
I shopped for school supplies for the girls this week, and I had to stop myself from picking up things I knew you would like. I kept seeing little things and thinking "Abby would love that" and then remembering you have no need of such things now.
Remember last year? I bought you a small pink backpack with a smiling frog on it. I knew you would never use it, but I also knew you would love it. Your face lit up when you saw it and you laughed as we put a few items in it to carry around the house. I had to go to my room for a few minutes and let the tears fall, already grieving for you as I knew you would never go to your beloved school again.
Now I know that was nothing. At least you were there. Not buying a backpack at all was a thousand times harder.
We are almost at a year, and I don't want to be there yet. I don't want a whole year to go by. Time will march on, and before I know it, two or three will have gone. It seems too fast. Too far away from the last time you were here with us smiling that big Abby smile.
I was at the park with Emily today. I put her in the swing, which of course she loved. You loved it too. I was thinking of you, and the way you and Emily took turns. You were both getting so big that taking one of you out and putting the other one in was a challenge. You guys loved it so much, it was worth it. As I was thinking of it, a man behind me startled me out of the memory by calling "Abby, come on! Abby! It's time to go. Abby!" I just closed my eyes, and ached. I hope he knows how blessed he is to call her name. I miss hearing your name, my sweet girl, and I sure hope there are swings in Heaven.
I've cried through every second of writing this, which I know would upset you. I'm sorry, I can't help it. There are not words for how deeply and profoundly you are loved. I think you might truly know love where you are, surrounded in perfect love. Where I am, all I have is my heart, from which you will always have all my love. ~Mommy
I'm loving this song, and knowing she had all of me.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7vF4tc9QREY
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