Tough Days

Tough day. I hesitate to write this, but it is what it is.

We all just had a really difficult today. Right at this moment I don't feel like I have any amazing biblical principal to bring this bad day back to. It was just that, a bad day. Everyone has those days that make you want to hand in your resignation, but there's no one there to take it. Days that just need to be done and over with.

Emily did not want to eat at all today and she made sure we all knew it. Anytime I brought her near the table, she screamed like she was being killed. Then Abby cried, I will give it to the poor kid though, she calmed right down as soon as the little maniac (aka Emily) left the room. That was more than I did.

In the end, the girls were fed separately today. So, twice the time. It's frustrating to spend days with my girls that are long and drawn out. Days that cause me to question what I'm doing here. Part of me wanted to make Emily stay and eat, because I need them to eat at the same time and because she has to understand that acting that way doesn't get her what she wants. Another part of me wants to do what's absolutely easiest to get through the day.

Now as the day comes to an end I look back and wonder what I could have done to make it work better. Emily and I talked and she understands that she didn't treat others in our house the way she wanted to be treated (one of our most important family principals). She also understands that she had a bad day (she went to time out) and I had a bad day (I needed a time out) that could have been avoided had she made better choices. I wasn't as patient as I sometimes am either. I wanted to get through the day and I was less tolerant of the whining that led to the screaming. Then I wasn't at all tolerant of the screaming.

When Jessica came, the house settled a little, but Em still wouldn't eat with Abby. By lunch, I got half of her food in before and sent her to her room to finish eating before she lost control. By dinner time, Jessica was gone and I didn't even try to feed them together. We had all had enough.

I think my morning was going south anyway. But there was a moment before lunch when I went out to get the mail and saw this beautiful day. Sun shining, perfect 72 degrees. I thought that I should go for run. Just a short one to clear my head. Or maybe take
the kids for a walk, and give us all time to clear our heads. I didn't though. That is the moment I regret now, the moment when I heard that voice of God speaking to my heart saying "get out of this house and see what I made, look at all that's good around you, take in this amazing day". I didn't listen. I came back in the house and resented having a bad day.

These are the days I have to work through. I have to change my perspective. Remind myself that there is purpose in all of this. I did a Beth Moore bible study once and she said that God allows difficult people and difficult situations in our lives to remind us of things in our hearts that still need refining. If everything was always easy, I could pretend I never feel frustrated and angry. I could act like I always respond correctly when I know I don't. God always sees our hearts and knows what we can hide from others, maybe even ourselves. Days like today show me that I am still so very much in need of refining fire.