New Years

I love New Years. Even when I've had a hard year, it feels good to leave it behind and start again. 2009 wasn't bad at all. In fact it was probably the most neutral year I've had since the twins were born. Not a lot of good or bad happened. I'm not really used to it, but I think I like it. If God reads blogs, maybe he could consider giving me another one, so I would really be sure. :)

To begin 2010, I will tell you a little secret. I am an eternal optimist- there I said it! I am optimistic. It is just not possible for me to wake up thinking I'm going to have a bad day. A few years ago, Emily was in the hospital 28 days over a 10 week period. When she wasn't actually in, she was home with nursing care and tubes. I remember talking to Jeff each morning she was there, telling him that I really thought today would be the day she would turn around. By the end of one of those days, she was transferred to the pediatric ICU. I was sitting there completely shocked, thinking that I was the dumb girl--the one that just didn't get it. One would think that in all of that time, all sorts of possibilities would run through my mind, but they didn't. I always thought she would be fine, I guess when it was all said and done, she was.

It's not about being whether I'm being realistic as much as I just do not have it within me to see a glass as half empty. I have to always believe that everything will work out for the best. For the most part, I'm thankful that the Lord created me with that perspective. It has served me well to be able to seek whatever shred of good even horrible situations possess, and to truly have joy, even in small moments.

All of that is to say that new years feel full of possibility to me. They draw some invisible line in time, and suddenly I have what is likely a placebo form of renewed energy. Whatever. I'll take it. I don't know why I think the way I do, but it certainly shapes how I view my life and all that has happened.

January is the month Emily and Abby were born. Every January for the last 12 years have been tear filled for me. Again, not always the sharpest tool in the shed, it took me a while to realize how traumatic their birth and NICU experience had been. January brings back all that went wrong. As their birthday approaches, my heart simply breaks a little more for them each year. It never gets easier, but I understand now what I'm going through. Loss.

The month of January I will be telling the stories of their births and diagnosis. Realizing that I am an optimist at heart, will help you to understand how utterly shocked I was that so many things went so completely wrong. I am truly looking forward to sharing them with you.