Baclofen pump

We have decided to have a baclofen pump inserted into Abby's abdomen.  It will continuously pump medication into her spinal fluid to help reduce the spasticity.  It just sounds horrible. 

It is overwhelming being charged with the life of another person.  I have to make decisions that can help her or kill her.  She will be in pain and I made the decision for that to happen.  I know that I am doing it for all the right reasons, but at the end of the day all the right reasons in the world won't make my child not hurt. 

I have prayed and researched and spoken to other children with device.  It seems like the most difficult thing is getting the dose right.  It takes quite a bit of tweaking to deliver enough of the medication to help her without over-medicating her. 

Her surgery is tomorrow.  I hate that I am still going back and forth with this decision.  I've already postponed it once.  I felt good about it and now I feel worried.  I want to help her, but what if this doesn't help her?  My head tells me all of the research, doctors and parents I've spoken to are right, this is good for her.  My mommy heart says don't put her through anything else.  Don't ask this of this child. 

If it were me, it would be so easy.  If I thought the procedure was right for my own body I would do it and easily accept all of the risks of complications and the inevitable pain any surgery brings.  But it's not me and I am not accepting the risks and pain.  I am saying it is okay for my daughter to take it on.  I am risking her life and well being.  I wish I could take it from her.  I have to bear witness to her pain, and not take it as my own.  I have to step aside to not allow all of my own heartbreak and worry to take from her experience.

I wish she didn't have cerebral palsy.  I wish I didn't even know what this pump was, but I do.  It won't fix anything that is wrong with her.  We are hoping it will bring her some comfort.  Our prayer is that her body will not be so contorted because her muscles pull at it.  It should help to relax some of that tone.  The risks are infection, pump malformation, overdose,withdrawal, tubes breaking and leaking, coma and death.  Am I crazy?  Are these my options?

Honestly, yes.  They are my options.  This is when faith is either real or not.  Do I really believe that NO MATTER WHAT God loves and has my daughter in his hands.  I'm not talking about when everything turns out well, but when I'm not sure.  I am walking in the dark and trusting that even if the worst happens He is caring for us in ways that I may never be able to see. 

I believe that nothing we will ever go through on this earth is greater than the resurrecting power of Christ.  There is no situation that is greater than his power to heal or transform.  Paul says in 1 cor. 15:26 The last enemy to be destroyed is death,  and Jesus already overcame the grave.  Then Paul ends with: Therefore Dear Brothers and sisters, stand firm, let nothing move you.  To me that means that my faith has to be the same today as it is tomorrow, whatever tomorrow brings.  Even Jesus knowing what he would face cried: take this cup of pain, let is pass from me, but if through pain I must obey your will, I will go further still.  Facing such suffering and death was breaking his heart, but his desire was to obey so that God's greater plan for you and me could be realized. 

So all I can do now, and all I should ever do is follow his example and go to God in prayer.

Father God, my source and my strength, take my sweet child into your arms.  Love her, protect her and above all let your will be done in her life and in mine.  Use this medication to help and not harm her, take her pain, use her life that you would be seen in her.  Use me, that I will not have believed in vain, that my faith will be even greater as I watch you work in this situation.  May the eyes of those around us see your good works and your hands as they hold us.  In Jesus name!