Tunnel Vision

I am driving myself crazy.  I wish it was a longer drive.

Today I'm thinking that my problem is I'm just not a multi-tasker. I wish I was.   Everyone thinks I am because I have so many responsibilities.  I want to be able to have several things going at once and be really good at all of them.  But sadly, instead, I have a horrible case of tunnel vision. 

Oh how lovely it would be if I were a June Cleaver wife and mom.  I would keep the house company ready at all times and the laundry would always be done (which by the way, I completely understand women who go to the grocery store in their bathrobes--one day I will do this just so I don't have to wash clothes).  I would sit everyday and write about all of wonderful things God has done for me.  I would run marathons and my jeans would never be too tight.  I wouldn't even own that secret pair of "fat jeans" I keep stashed in my closet because I would be thin all the time.  I would spend time in the word everyday and live my life as close to Christ-like as possible.  Ya, that would be me....

If I wasn't tired just writing about it.  I can do one thing at a time.  It is annoying.  I can run consistently and everything else falls in line after that.  I can write 3-4 times a week- every week, but then the secret jeans gain a place at the front of the closet.  I can keep up with the house and the kids and do nothing else.  I can be a great bible study girl and read and pray everyday, well, you get it. 

I want to do it all.  I try to pray while I'm running, but I end up wondering how much radiation is leaking out of the power lines.  I come home to cool down and straighten up quickly so I can write a while before grocery store runs, or errands or time with friends and church.  I usually get distracted somewhere in the house and have one incredibly clean room, the rest not so much.  By the time I get back around to that room again the vicious cycle has restarted.  I write when I can, but I have about 17 draft blogs that I don't love or just never finished.  Did you notice yet that my bible time keeps coming at the end of my lists? 

I'm sitting here wishing I could multi-task when what I need to do is prioritize.  I need to move my list around so that my day begins with prayer and bible time; then move on from there.  He desires to show me how to live in a way that honors him and all I need to do.  I have to learn to consistently flip that list of mine around.

Maybe tunnel vision wouldn't be so bad if I tunneled it in the right place.  If I focused on him and what he wants from me, instead of my own crazy schedule and busyness.  Most of my testimony comes from learning to surrender my plans for his and here I am in the day to day moments of my life wishing I could re-order it. 

Most of us will react well in the big moments when we're standing in the spotlight.  It's the everyday that really defines us.  The moments when we acknowledge our true selves and own our choices.  That's why I drive myself crazy.  In the times when I look at all of the moments that add up to days and eventually a life, I want to feel like I've accomplished something .  I want to open myself to what God's plans are for me. 

So, what do I do with all of this?  Wanting to say "Yes Lord!"  when he calls, but feeling completely inadequate because I haven't sat at my computer and finished one little blog, a giant pile of unfinished laundry is giving me a mean look, and an infinite list of what I didn't even start is running through my head?

I stop. 

That's it.  I remind myself that those thoughts are not from God.  He didn't create that spirit in me.  I move the bottom of my list up to the top.  I go to his word to hear his voice and then I write, run, clean, parent, cook, plan and whatever else pops up.  I'm thankful that as I've gotten older I recognize who it is that brings me back and stops me from going completely off the deep end, but one day I pray it will be my only thought.  To look to him and listen.

We read Psalm 71 in my bible study this morning.  It was written by an older man looking back at his life and praising God.  We talked about how we look back at our own lives and what we see.  Someone saw restoration; all of the places God had healed, changed and renewed.  I love that word: Restored.  I could write all night about that one word.  But I won't.  I'll be thankful that I did bible study today, cleaned a little, wrote a little, spent time with my girls, and I'm going to wrap up and watch some TV with my guy, then tomorrow I will wake up and try to tunnel my vision vertically.