I mentioned being sick the last time I wrote and how annoying it was.  I just moved past annoying to really sick.  I have felt awful all week.  I haven't finished unpacking from vacation.  Clean laundry is piled up on the couch.  It's been rough. 

I finally went to the doctor today and got the long list of everything wrong with me.  My cold moved to pneumonia, bronchitis, and a sinus infection.  So I am on antibiotics and hopefully on my way to feeling better. 

This is the first time I was really sick in a long time.  Jeff flew out this morning to interview for a job.  I was on my own with the girls.  I don't know if any of you have ever had pneumonia, but it hurts.  Physically hurts.  I did not know this. My chest felt like someone was sitting on it, my head hurt.  I hurt everywhere.  I noticed today that Emily and Abby are BIG now!  Oh my goodness, they have grown since the last time I could barely move and had to pick them up. The most difficult thing was that I almost wasn't able to care for them. I have never felt that way before. It is very unnerving. I think most parents of children with disabilities are terrified of not being able to take care of their child for some reason. I always felt like that was a peripheral fear, it orbited our life, but never quite made it in. This week, as I was dressing my daughter, I was so weak and sick, it occurred to me that I may not be able to finish. It might be unsafe to carry her.

Even though I recognized this morning as an extremely short term problem, I also recognized the possibility of my girls out growing me in the future. I certainly hope and pray that I am always able to pick them up and do the things I want to do, but today I realized that there will be times when I will need help. It really scares me to think of something happening to me or Jeff that changes what we are able to do for our children. It's strange to be worried about not being able to do something I've spent most of my adult life not really wanting to do.

Emily and Abby also have "sensory impairments' to add to the mix.  This means that their brains sometimes process stimulus from their environment differently than most of us.  I'm not sure how it feels to them, but they have a startle reflex to certain sounds; it scares them, it makes them cry and sometimes, it almost seems to hurt them.   We do what we can to avoid these sounds and to try to show the girls that they are safe when they do encounter them.  Emily is afraid of water bottles.  That crinkly noise people make with them drives her nuts.  Abby is afraid of coughing.  I'm sure you can imagine how that went this morning. 

I was alone with her, I had to feed and dress her and get her out the door.  I couldn't run every time I had to cough, and although I did it as little as possible it was still a rough morning.  It hurt her feelings that I would continue to cough around her.  She cried on and off before she got on the bus today.  If I had more energy, I would have felt even worse than I do that her day started that way.

Weeks like this one are probably good for me.  I always have to remember that ultimately God cares for my girls. He has charged me with their care for now, but over and over again He shows me that I have to rely on him and trust him with my girls.