Last Time

Emily and Abby are twelve now, which means that my little girls are really sort of big girls.  I didn't actually realize that was going to happen.  Abby is about 10 pounds heavier than Em and she is also a little longer.  They are both still small for their ages (50 and 60 pounds), but Jeff and I are tall so the girls are looonnnggg.

Yesterday we spent the day at my Sister in Law and her husband's lake house.  It's beautiful.  I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I am generally a determined girl.  I think I can do just about anything until I'm proved wrong, and it just stinks when I am wrong. 

I decided my girls, who have no balance and can't always hold their heads up out of water, could still swim in a lake with me like they did when they were little.  There is a dock and the water is way over our heads.  Since Abby was willing to go out with me I started there by putting a life vest on her, a life vest on me and a one on Grandma.  I thought for sure we would be able to float and hang out with Abby in the water and it would be a great day. 

I jumped off the dock into the water, Grandma jumped in the water....we were both secretly questioning the wisdom of our plan at that point as we each had no really control over where we were in the water with our hands busy reaching for Abby.  Our helper lowered Abby in the water, which was really a whole lot higher than I realized and she actually sort of dropped her in.  So now we are three floating ladies in about 20 feet of lake water.  Abby's head of course wants to drop face first in the water, Grandma has her by the waist, I am holding on for dear life to the front of life vest keeping her head out of water.  There is no doubt now that this was a really bad idea. 

We somehow made it over to the ladder, but we couldn't get her up.  We sent for Grandpa to rescue us; he was in the house with the wise Emily who had refused to come out.  Then a boat went by and the waves came, knocking us into the dock and boat.  That was when a bad idea became a dangerous situation that could really cause my daughter harm.  Grandpa showed up then and pulled Abby out of the water, and thankfully life moved forward. 

The first thing I said when we all were up on land was "I guess that's the last time we do that". 

Last times make me sad.  There are so many losses in the life of disabilities.  The loss of so many parts of my child, the loss of my dreams and plans for them, and then the physical losses.  The ability to move through life in the way I want to; the ability for my daughters to move through life and enjoy what is on this amazing planet.  Each time one of those experiences become impossible, which seems to happen more and more as they get older, I feel a little afraid as the world gets just a little smaller for us every year.  It's hard for me as a mother to not be able to offer them what I think of as a full, rounded life.  What I must give them above all else is safety and security. 

It is hard to see a chapter close for my disabled daughter as her younger sister cannonballs into life and begs for more. 

I know in light of eternity, a day in the lake is not even a blip on the screen.  I am thankful yet again that my hope lies in knowing that I will spend forever with my girls healed and healthy.  I will see them run, jump and speak.  I will see them whole; mind, body and spirit.  I will spend eternity in the presence of the God who created them and never again know the ache in my heart of a last time.