Can you hear me?

Okay ya'll, I've got to put something down on this here blog. 

I have literally started about ten, and leave them unfinished.  I have a ton of things to say, I just can't narrow all that's going on in our lives down to just one.  Me and my all over the place head--well it's really my all over the place life.

I've been writing a whole lot lately; just not here.  As I began to write, I noticed that I always spell the word disability wrong.  Like, seriously, ALWAYS.  What is that? Some sort of weirdo brain retaliation against a world I kind of wish I didn't know about. I really know how to spell it, but I unconsciously type it wrong.

Each time I hit the space bar after the word the squiggly red line pops up. I make myself go back and re-type it. It's a silly little mistake that seems to have become a habit. 

I guess it's because I've been reflecting on the diagnosis lately.  I am writing about the early years when Emily and Abby were babies. It's been incredibly hard to go back to that place. Remembering clearly the words that changed my life. The way it felt as that frozen moment in my life hit me like a fist again. Tears roll down my face as I remember the way it felt to hold and rock my baby, so damaged and so perfect, all rolled up into one pink blanket.  And the consistently misspelled word that unfortunately jumped in to the rocking chair with me and that child. 

That amazingly "misspelled" girl of mine started middle school this year. She is completely disabled. Oh looky there~I spelled it right.  She is so very physically impaired.  She was also just doing her science homework and told me using her computer that the lithospheric plates float on the asthenosphere.  Who would have known?  I am one proud mama.  Watching my child turn her head and hit a button with her face to tell me an answer I didn't even know is amazing! 

Thinking of that broken hearted mommy in the rocking chair, I wish I could go back and whisper in her ear, "hey girl, you are gonna almost burst with pride in that amazing girl your holding one day!  You are still gonna spell the word disability wrong, but your going to be alright."

No doubt, God tried to whisper that to my heart then too. Sometimes our own hurts and losses scream so loudly into our lives we can't hear the truth. I really didn't want to hear that I could be alright with a disabled child. I wanted to hear that God would heal her; that He would change our circumstance.

It's so easy to let our own thoughts get louder and louder as His words consistently whisper in the background, over and over waiting to comfort, waiting to be heard. Sometimes I have to remember as I cry out to then quiet.  To listen.  To wait. 

He is definitly speaking into my life, and I am learning to listen. What about you?  Can you hear Him?