4/28/11:

We started Abby on a new formula.  It is the most elemental formula available.  If she can't digest this, there's not much more to do other than wait for her belly to work and hope and pray that she stays healthy in the mean time. 

I've said that little spiel many times over the last few days and felt okay with it.  This morning as I opened the little can and poured it in the bag, it hit me.  For whatever reason, saying it over and over didn't seem to get through to me.  Pouring the liquid in did.  This has to work for her.  There isn't another type of  formula to try.  I was suddenly sad.  I hooked it up to her tummy, not with unbelief in the power of God to move in this situation, but with the realization that I had done all I could for Abby. 

Time and time again I want so much to be able to fix it.  I want to make my daughters world open to possibilities, but there are just some doors that the Lord has allowed to close.  It doesn't matter how hard I bang and push on them, they simply will not open.  This time around, I have heard the door close quietly with  a *click* that resounds in my heart with a tone of sadness.  I can not push until there is no strength left.  I will try to sit quietly outside of it and wait.  I will pray that His will be done until the only sound that fills my heart is a quiet stream of peace, the excited buzz of exercised faith, or the trumpet sound of praise.  Perhaps all three. 

Several times lately, what I've been calling a Head/Heart connection or disconnect came up in conversation. When you KNOW something in your head (ie: I'm thankful for this job that I need to pay the bills/ but I hate it and I WISH I could quit, I KNOW it's best for my child to be in the hospital/ but I LONG to bring her home, I KNOW that all things work together for the good of those who love Him / but I DESIRE to be free from this situation.) 

When we feel happiest is when head and heart are of one accord, but often that's not the case.  We were created in the image of the trinity.  Father (head-He knows all and sees the big picture), Son (flesh-the ultimate sacrifice and atonement for sins and embodiment of our faith -our physical body), and the Holy Spirit (spirit-the inhabiting presence of God on earth--our emotional, eternal selves).  God is the three in constant, perfect accord.

In my head, I know we've done what we can for Abby.  We've tried everything we know to try.  As far as it depends on me, she has had what she's needed.  As far as my heart goes, I am this child's mother and I want her better.  I want her stomach to not hurt!  I want her well. 

I have to work on connecting what I know with what I want, and continue to trust the only one who really knows it all!  For now, the formula drips, Mama prays and we go again.

5/1/11:  Stay tuned for good news!