May Days

May, what a busy month you are.  I wish you would slow down a bit. 

In spite of being jam packed with end of school year stuff, Abby stuff, Emily stuff, and Hannah stuff, things are going better.  I can't imagine being busier, actually, I don't think it's possible to be busier, but I'm coping because God is good all the time and I refuse to spend my time focusing on problems. 

The funny thing about having a very sick child is how small other things in life become.  My washing machine broke this week.  The repair guy can't come out until Wednesday (where's Handy Manny when you need him?).  I don't know about you guys, but I do three loads of laundry a day around here on average.  That's a lot of laundry piling up.  I'm not loving it, but I do understand that it's not a big deal in the big picture, merely inconvenient.  Since that didn't upset me too much, the pool pump cracked and sent a 6 foot spray of water across the yard. 

That was certainly not fun, nor is the bill to replace the pump, but again fixable things in life, no matter how big they may be are still fixable.  Maybe I'll divide all things in my life into fixable and unfix-able categories.  Fixable, I fix and then I'm just not allowed to spend worry-type energy on it.  Unfix-able is a God thing in which case I spend my energy on praise and prayer, leaving it where it belongs.  In the hands of one far greater than me. 

Abby is not much better, but amazingly we are settling in to her...her what?  Just her.  Abby how she is now.  Her swollen belly is manageable.  We are getting good at giving showers around the central line.  That's a very good thing, since the Dr. is going to leave it in for several months after she finishes TPN to be sure she's able to support her own nutritional needs.  The hardest part is that she struggles significantly with activity.  Going to the Dr. or a very quick trip to the store seems to be all she can handle without feeling sick.  Thankfully I've had helpers a few days a week and have been able to get out of the house some.  Having lunch with my girlfriends or going to bible study makes all the rest easier. 

I've discovered (and I can't believe I didn't know this) that  faith takes time.  When I am so horribly distracted or choose to spend my time in other ways, I begin to feel alone and desperate.  When I am so busy and overwhelmed with life, it's harder for me to feel close to God or sense His presence.  Strength of faith has a direct correlation to time spent with Him.  As I pray and read the Word, I am comforted and strengthened.  I am able to trust what I experience on a daily basis. 

God has promised that He would not leave or forsake me, and although this has been difficult, sad, and heartbreaking for me, I am not alone.  My greatest fear has never been losing Emily and Abby, although I certainly don't want that to happen.  I am most afraid of losing more pieces of them.  At least for now, my greatest fear has been realized.  Abby's ability to do the things she wants to do like eat, go to school, and be active is gone.  Unbelievably, we have lost more and yet here we are.  Breathing, moving, living, laughing, loving, praising.  Thankful. 

I'm thankful, not for this situation for for the tons of problems we are dealing with or these crazy May days, but because I know that God will do what he has promised. 

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, ²¹ being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
Romans 4:21-22 (NIV)