Courage

wrote this 6/22, just didn't get a chance to post...

Abby was able to come today, which is really a miracle!!!

Yesterday her low white count was confirmed and we were told her blood cultures were positive and we would stay a week or so for antibiotics.  Later that day, we were told there was a contaminant in the sample and her actual blood was negative. 

She stayed over night to be sure her fever stayed gone and we chalked it up to a virus.

The problem is that her blood work doesn't really make sense for viral or bacterial infection, but obviously she had something.  Her white count is 1.7 k,  it should be 5-10 k, her platelets were very low but are coming up.  The rest of her blood work was only marginally abnormal. 

This morning, I was discussing what contaminated the blood sample with Abby's Dr.  She explained that sometimes when the blood is drawn from the skin it can pick up common bacteria at that site.  They actually didn't stick Abby for the sample, it came from the central line.  It made it a little more confusing as to how that happened.  The Dr. ordered a new set of cultures that hopefully will come back clear. 

Because we wouldn't have done anything other than wait in the hospital, we came home to wait.  If it comes back positive (which none of us expect) we will have to go back. 

In the mean time, due to the low white count, and not having a clear source for the fever, we have to be hyper-vigilant with hand washing and watching her temperature closely.

The good news is that in the hospital she was on straight IV fluids instead of TPN.  We've decided to give it a try at home as well. I am so excited about that.  She still needs quite a bit of IV fluids, but I'm grateful it's so much safer for her than TPN.  I'm praying she doesn't lose too much weight as we switch over.  She's not loving her feedings while she's sick, but she's hanging in there with a little more than half of what she normally gets.  I will definitely try to get her back on track quickly to stay off of TPN. 

I feel so helpless as I watch my kids have such a hard time. As I was leaving the hospital today I walked alone with Abby down a very long hallway and began to notice single  words on the walls.  Grace.  Strength.  Faith.  Hope.  Love.  There were many more words, but the one that struck this weary Momma was Courage.  I hadn't ever really thought of faith as courageous.  Just necessary.  My Bible's concordance references 33 places where someone was encouraged to be courageous.  I think it spoke to my heart because it's an action.  I am completely out of control in these situations.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to change what my kids are going through or to make it easier.  But, I can work on courage as it pertains to faith. 

I am so thankful for my God who not only desires to walk beside me (ps. 23:4), wipe away tears (Is 25:8), love incomparably (Eph. 5:1-2), but to give me something to do; a commission when I am helpless.  How His love is lavished upon us, even as I have nothing to offer other than putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward simply because He asked me to.  He gives me purpose rather than the darkness that can so easily creep in. 

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.  Do everything in love." 1Cor. 16:13-14 (NIV)