thinking

As previously discussed, leaving Abby was really hard. 

Little did I know that coming home would be equally as hard.  Not because I didn't want to come home, but because after being with her for 8 solid months, I didn't realize what a shock it would be to see her. 

It literally aches to see my little girl like this.  I wasn't prepared for it.  If anyone should know what to expect, it would be me, but it's like it happened all over again. 

I rubbed her sick little tummy and let silent tears fall as the scarred, swollen surface rose under my hand.  I remember looking at her belly before her baclofen pump surgery thinking how perfect it was.  2 years ago, she had never had anything wrong with her, other than CP--which was plenty.  I think it's good to have some perspective.  It helped me to be able to see her more clearly, even if it made me sad. 

She's had a difficult week.  She ran a low grade fever the whole time.  99.9 on Monday.  100.2 on Tuesday.  100.5 all day Wednesday.  100.8 after her nap on Thursday.  Today 102.2.  Forget the natural progression today.  She just didn't feel good.  I prayed all day.  I did not want to take her back to the hospital.  Oh my goodness, I don't want to be there.  I know she needs so much and I'm not sure what to do with her.  Her weight is down to where she was in February when we started TPN for the first time.  Maybe that's what's going on with the fever.  Who knows. 

I feel like I should be panicking about the line, but I just don't have the energy.  I'm worried, but her temp did go down to 100.8 this evening without Motrin.  I am thanking God for that and counting my blessings.  I did start getting a hospital bag together, but I didn't finish it. 

Abby's been out of the hospital much longer than I thought she would, so Thank you Lord!  Now I'm praying that when we go back, it will be the last time.  I'm not sure how much longer we can all go through this.  This time, I pray that God would let her finally be well.  I'm anxious to write about something (anything) other than sick kids.  I guess tomorrow we'll know more...I'm cringing a little with the words.  I don't always want to know.  :)