Hard days

I spent yesterday in the ER with Emily.  Apparently she has a stomach virus, and it just wiped her completely out.  I took her to the pediatrician who sent her straight to the ER.  She had x-rays, CT scan, blood work, etc.  I think we were all looking for a very serious problem because she looked so awful, but there wasn't anything there.  Her white count was fine, so she just got fluids and we were able to come home. 

It was such a huge relief to walk back out of the hospital without having to stay.  She perked up some today, so obviously the fluids made a big difference.  She slept for about 24 hours and I started feedings back again today.  She's still a little weak, but not nearly as bad as Sunday when she could barely hold her head up.  Finally, a normal little virus!  Not that I want sick kids, but I'll take normal anywhere I can get it.

Abby is another story, as usual.  I don't know what in the world is wrong with that girl.  She is making me nuts though.  She has fussed, cried and been generally unhappy for the last two days.  I don't know if she's feeling bad, if she has Em's bug, or if she's feeling good enough to actually throw a fit.  She's not sleeping well, doesn't want to help me with house work like she normally does, and she doesn't want to play.  She doesn't have a fever and she isn't more swollen or nauseated than usual, so I don't know what to think.

All I know is that I am really, really tired of being around her right now.  That in itself produces a huge range of confusing emotions.  She's not doing very well and no one knows how to help her.  I don't know how long I'll have her with me.  Some days she seems like herself and I can't imagine that she could die.   Some days I can't even begin to imagine she could recover.  Then there are days when I want to throw in the towel and just be done myself.  I am so tired of taking care of her, especially when she is screaming at me. 

I have had several conversations with God about it.  I don't know how to feel.  I think I want all of this to end without losing my child, so essentially, I want a miracle.  I want her to wake up and walk to my room tomorrow morning and say something ridiculously casual like "hey mom...why are you still sleeping?" 
She won't though.  She'll cry until I come into her room and turn her over, place a pillow between her knees so she doesn't rub them together, stop her IV, hook up her feeding, medicate her for the nausea I know will come and dress her for the day.  I will put her in her chair and pray that we go back to sleep in our own home that night. 

Days like the last few with Emily sick and Abby crying all day and night make me realize how fragile this little set up I have going is.  If nothing moves outside the lines I can handle it.  I can take care of the girls, the house, my marriage, my other children, and whatever else I do in a day.  Living outside of those lines sends me  for a loop.  I don't like it.  It makes me wonder where in the world God is in all of this.  I desperately want Him to step in and fix this.  Fix something.  Help me through this.  I'm sure He is, but I can't see it.

I just have to continue to choose to believe that He is with me because He says He is.  I choose to believe that He loves Abby and me when I can't feel it, and spend another day trusting a plan that doesn't make sense to me.  Noah built an ark without a drop of rain, right?  It doesn't do any good to try to build the boat when the water's up to your neck.  I. still. believe.  Especially on hard days. 

I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!  Job 19:25-27 (niv)