Just Hang On: ups and downs

I literally have 4 posts in the "draft" phase from the last 2 weeks. I start writing in the morning and by night time it's not true anymore. Some days are good--one post is even about 2 really good days in a row for Abby. In one she actually drank 6 ounces of juice over the course of a single day. I was so excited about it, but the post was about being afraid to hope sometimes because the let down can be so hard to take. Before I published, she was up that night for 3 hours with belly pain and gagging.

I have had some of the best days we've had since this mess started and then I've had TERRIBLE days with Abby. She ran a fever on and off all week last week. Some days it was 101.5, other days below 100. I've been a nervous wreck. I took her to the doctor 10 days ago for being very irritable and fussy. The pediatrician didn't like the way the line site looked, so she sent us to the hospital. We spent 7 hours in the ER waiting to see the surgeon who decided the line was fine, but they drew blood cultures anyway. We barely made it out of the hospital that night because her white count was 7.0 and the irritability made them concerned she had something brewing. A count of 7 is HUGE for Abby. In the end, I agreed to come back if anything changed and if the cultures showed anything.

She fussed and cried all day Friday and Saturday which is about to make me lose my mind. I can't take all this crying. The hard work, the worry, the struggles, the exhaustion...all of it....I can handle, but not when she's screaming at me like some-one's killing her. It's part CP, part Abby, part just plain old temper that makes her do that. The part I don't know about that scares me is wondering if something else is wrong. And of course...the fever! Just when I was about to take her back to the hospital, it was down today, and she was nice all day.

It's been tough and I'm not going to lie, I'm tired. I'm trying to find a place in all of this that feels comfortable and normal to me. I honestly don't know where that is. Even now as I'm typing my cat keeps attacking my hands. Apparently absolutely nothing is easy.

One thing I did realize this weekend was that I hadn't opened my bible in a while. I was really struggling with the Emily and Abby screaming and began to pray. I was feeling very much alone and wondering where God is in those terrible moments when I want to give up. I was suddenly aware how little time I'd spent with Him lately. I'm reading mindless books, watching silly TV and hoping that God would just fill that gap for me. He meets me where I am, but He also needs me to look up from what I'm doing and take what He offers. I opened my bible this morning and instantly felt peaceful. I read about the faithfulness of God as we are faithful to Him.

I have to stop now or my there will be nothing left of my hands, thanks to the kitty. As usual, we are taking this life of ours day by day.

A few highlights from the last few weeks:

Chocolate Cheesecake pop at the Lexington BBQ festival (GOTTA Love NC~!)