Whispers

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (niv)


Well, I doubt it's necessary to state the obvious, but I will anyway.  I only made it four days into my 'writing daily' goal.  I'm not going to beat myself up too much over it because I'm too tired.  That's one blessing of total exhaustion.  It takes a reasonable amount of energy to be really hard on yourself. 

The last few day's have been hard.  Really hard. 

I have struggled with myself, my kids, and my God.  I spent last week feeling lonely and very much alone.  They are not the same.  Lonely needs a friend, alone needs a spiritual pit stop.  Living with such intensity and responsibility had me struggling with God.  How could He think I am capable of this?  How could He think I would want this?  How could He ask me to watch my children go through so much.  It was as close as I've ever been to saying NO.  No, I don't want to do this.  I know you are bigger than everything I am or could ever dream of being, but I do not want to do this anymore.  Even if you ask me. 

Conversations like that with God take a toll on the whole person.  I felt tired and empty.  I wanted it to all go away.  I wanted to be like everyone else.  I wanted to go to church and not look for stairs or worry about access (Churches--We have got to do a better job of welcoming our disabled friends!).  I wanted to be able to just get up and go, but I couldn't.  I was frustrated that the Lord was so quiet in my heart lately. 

Then Abby got sick.  She started crying.  All the time.  Sunday, Sunday night (all night), Monday, Monday night (all night).  Screaming, out of control for hours at a time.  Yesterday her muscle tone changed drastically.  She was suddenly rigid and difficult to move.  We thought the Baclofen pump had failed.  Baclofen withdrawal can be very serious.  We got up this morning and took her to the ER.  By the time we got there she was completely different.  Floppy and lethargic.  They did a full work up and agreed that something was wrong, but they didn't know what. 

It could still be the pump because they were unable to interrogate it, so we have to follow up about that.  But the belly was normal for her, her hips were ok, the blood work, urine, throat and ears were all ok.  The only abnormality was a heart rate in the 140's (which it still is).  So why do I have an altered child?  The short answer is we still don't know.  The ER's best guess is seizures, or pain somewhere we haven't identified.  Jeff and I decided to bring her back home and see how she did.  She's still lethargic, so we don't know what to do. 

During all of this, Emily fell off her bed.  She knocked her front tooth loose, and of course it bled terribly.  She also has a bruise on her cheek.   I was immediately grateful that she wasn't seriously hurt.  I was also thankful that the tooth was still in, but it has some healing to do.  I'm praying it's okay.  It was scary because of her seizures and because of everything going on with Abby. 

So much.  So, so much.  As I was dealing with all of this, I thought about feeling so alone.  Can you imagine what it's like for people to deal with life without a belief in God?  I wondered what it would be like to be truly alone.  How would I have the strength to be typing on 3 hours sleep in the last 3 days?  I haven't slept more than 30 minutes straight since Saturday, Abby's still sick, everyone and everything needs something from me.  And suddenly I don't feel alone.  I know He is with me. 

I love that in our weakest moments, we see God so much clearer.  As C.S. Lewis says "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains:  It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world". 

Abby's starting to cry again, so let's pray that just for tonight, God whispers to me in my sleep.