Enough

Being home is wonderful, as I knew it would be, and unbelievably sad. I knew it would be.

There are so many great things about home. My instant coffee machine and super hot showers. My husband and children, oops, I think they should have come before coffee. I just love being here. The hospital has its merit too. Nurses to do meds and IVs. Doctors moments away for concerns. It's scary being on my own, and very, very busy.

Treatment in the hospital is so different from home. Here, she is in so much more pain because she wants to be up in her chair. There she lays pretty still and it seems more manageable. Knowing that she's only getting sicker makes every cry and pain med dose painful for me. I feel so guilty for putting her through any more pain, but it's just not time to stop.

How does one quantify the quality of of another's life? It is a question that fills my mind every second of the day. Everyone has an opinion about quality of life. I mean every. one. For the nurse our last three days in the hospital, Abby's weak little smile constituted a quality life. The social worker sees Abby as suffering, and although she doesn't offer advice, she is very supportive. The nurse thinks we can manage the pain and have time with her.

This an extremely confusing time. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard. Knowing that she can not survive makes every moment of pain agony, it also makes every moment she's comfortable and like herself so sweet.

I don't want to have to decide. I want to be left without a choice. I want God to intervene in such a way that we are certain it is unreasonable to continue. Even so sick, Abby is strong. She is more tired than I have ever seen her, she is in pain, but she's started to gain weight from the TPN.

Emily has a peds appointment today and I'm going to discuss these Abby issues with her Dr. then. We really need a lot of prayer for wisdom, and a clear plan. We need to know exactly when enough is enough.


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