Panic

This is going to sound stupid, so bear with me.

I realized today that all of that beautiful love and sympathy scares me to death. I'm trying to be so practical and cognitive about this decision, but when I hear someone else crying, it squeezes my heart. Knowing that anyone who ever met that precious girl grieves too is so sad for me. I'm so very sorry that we are all going to miss that sweet face.

I'm trying hard to walk through losing my daughter without crying all day. I know there will be a time and place for grieving her, and maybe for the first time in her life, I refuse to hold and mourn her at the same time. I don't want her to feel that from me. I want her to feel loved, and supported.

I can't let myself bury my alive child. She is here, soft and warm. Her sweet little fingers opened on mine and she is there with me. I don't know how to describe how alive she feels to me when I know how sick she is.

Hospice is working closely with us, and they have been wonderful. They are arranging for a photographer to take some pictures next week. They will also bring out hand molds and canvas for hand/foot prints. She brought a lot of books today to read to Abby and my other girls. She also brought one for me. I'm going to try to look through it tonight.

We talked with Hannah, Emily, and Sarah yesterday. I wish I didn't need to do it. As I said, the grief of others is harder than my own right now. Seeing my girls hurt breaks my heart. As I suspected, it was very hard on Sarah. Hannah was upset, but she understood. Sarah really cried. I just kept telling her that we still have time with her.

The fentanyl patch is working ok for Abby. She woke up more yesterday and is definitely more interactive, but she still has pain. She got morphine last night to try to get comfortable, but was still restless. The doctors think she could still have a few weeks to a few months. I asked the GI doctor (who was awesome to us) one more time...you're sure? You really don't think she will ever get better? Did we make the right decision? He said she has just steadily gotten worse, and he had an ileus before himself and it is very painful. He thought we should bring her home on TPN, and stop when we know the time is right.

I had to ask, just one more time.

Tomorrow we will leave here, knowing that I will never bring her back again. There is an actual ache in my chest when I think of it. I know it's the right thing for her, but knowing that I could bring her back and they would do what they could, this still can't be fixed. There is no reason to bring her here again.

Jeff and I are trying to take this one day at a time without panicking over what the future holds. We just pray for all of our girls (by the way, Emily looked concerning yesterday, I'm sure a doctors appointment is in her near future.) as we walk this last road with Abigail.