I took a shower and got dressed for the day. Throughout that time, Jeff and I took turns staying with Abby. She looked very peaceful. It was a quiet, reverent, and very calm time for us.
I know the way we kept her isn't for everyone, but we had never left Abby before, and I couldn't imagine doing it then. I didn't want to hand her over to be handled by strangers. Knowing I didn't have to was a blessing.
Around 6 am, we started making phone calls. Then I woke Sarah up. The first thing out of her mouth was "is Abby alright?".
I told her she went to Heaven last night. She cried and needed a few minutes alone.
We had already prepared her for Abby dying at home. She knew she would be in her bed, and we would take her to the funeral home ourselves. Hospice had advised us to follow her lead. If she wanted to see her, that was fine. If not, that was okay too.
She wanted to see her, so we brought her in. She cried and got up in the bed with her. Emily cried at that moment, and I asked Sarah if she was okay alone so I could check on Em. She was, so I left and settled Emily. I came back in to see Sarah opening Abby's eyes and examining her, for lack of a better term. Surprised, I asked her if she needed a few minutes alone with her, which she did.
Children are very literal, and she physically needed to understand that Abby was gone. I definitely didn't expect that, but I wanted to give her space to do what she needed to, like I had been told. I think it was important for her to have that time. It helped her to begin to process this awful time.
Emily's nurse came, because we knew Emily wouldn't do well at the burial. We told her the next day. Jeff's family arrived and they each had time with Abby.
Right before we left to take Her to the funeral home, we called Hannah. She was heartbroken, of course. Jeff's sister picked her up to bring her to the mountains.
I'm sharing the following part of the story, knowing that it isn't what's normally done, but it was right for us, and may be for others too. I didn't know what we could do legally, so we made a lot of phone calls and eventually developed a plan that honored who Abby was, and what we were as a family.
When we began to talk about what we wanted after Abby passed away (months before she died), I realized that certain parts of the after death process were important to each of us.
I had worked as a nurse and done after death care several times. I knew I wanted to wash and dress her for the last time. She was my daughter, whom I'd dressed countless times in her life. I knew I would be gentle with her, and it would be more than a job. For the last time, I kissed her little fingers and brushed her hair. Her body was still very warm, but her hands were getting cold. I was very afraid of that. I didn't know if I could handle seeing her body change, but I did okay.
Jeff didn't want to do that part, but he didn't want someone from the funeral home to take her out of our home. His mom felt strongly about staying with her too. I didn't want to transport her anywhere. We learned that in North Carolina, we could take her to the funeral home ourselves. We originally thought we would take her to our local funeral home, and they would take her to the mountains. As the months unfolded, Jeff and his mom decided they could take her straight there themselves. I'll be honest, that didn't appeal to me at all, but I did like the idea of someone staying with her at all times.
That led to the pre-purchase of a casket. Jeff didn't want to drive her there outside of it. I know that's really weird, but it worked. I carried Abby out of the house and gently laid her in the casket in the van. Jeff, grandma, and grandpa left with her. Sarah and I followed in their car. The three hour drive was surprisingly calm. We arrived at the funeral home, where they took her out of our van. They were very respectful, and had been expecting us.
Because Abby passed away at night, they were able to dig her grave that morning, so it was ready when we got there. They placed her in a chapel, where we opened the casket and spent more time with her. Hannah, and other family members came. Jeff's mom stayed with her while we finally grabbed something to eat and fed Sarah.
When we came back, the baclofen pump rep came to turn off he pump. That was very important, as that pump has a 5-7 year battery. It would have been awful to imagine it alarming for years. It's very noninvasive to turn it off, just a magnet over the skin.
Hannah and Sarah picked wild flowers outside and put them in Abby's hand and Queen Anne's Lace in her hair. They placed items in the casket with her.
We wrapped her in the quilt her great grandmother made for her when she was a baby. I have an identical one for Emily.
We spent the day with her, never leaving her without a family member beside her. I'm not sure why that mattered so much to me, but it did.
Around 3pm, it was time to go to the graveyard....
final part of the story coming soon
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