Emily

Emily is being admitted to the hospital tomorrow morning for an inpatient EEG. We will be there any where from 3-7 days. Of course I'm hoping for 3, which means I need everyone to pray for seizures. That is a very strange sentence, but it's what we need. I also need her to do the things that we think could be seizures, so we know what's going on. We will be adjusting meds at that time too.

I'm not looking forward to being back in the hospital. Maybe even a little bit more than that. I'm dreading it. We won't be on the same unit as we were with Abby, and Emily shouldn't be exposed to sick people, but it's still hard. I've been tearing up today, as I think of all Abby went through and how much I miss her.

"Miss" is such a tiny word for the absence of her in my life. She was such a challenge, even healthy, that I was often focused on being up to my neck with issues as I tried to help her. She had such a strong personality, and endless energy...I struggled to keep up with her. I miss that energy, which is nuts, because that's what I never knew what to do with.

I really miss her sweetness. The feel of her in my arms, and those sweet licky kisses. The way she laughed is a sound that still brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. I realize now how often I grouped the twins together. From the beginning, they were a set to me. Now, I see clearly how different they are. Abby...I can't come up with words for what she was to me. I just miss her.

We visited her grave this weekend, because Sunday was the 2 month mark of this awful first year we have to get through.  Two months seems like a long time to me.  It's hard to believe I haven't seen her in so long.

There was still snow on the ground, but it was a beautiful day. We walked the dogs, sat quietly, talked, and left fresh flowers. I love being there.

I've been thinking about a headstone, and what it should look like or say. It's really tough, because it will never be enough. I look at all the gravestones in the cemetery and wonder about the people. Who were they? One said the name and dates and "see ya". I like it, it made me smile a little thinking of that guy. So, I wonder what few words would describe Abby. I'm not sure. There is a huge void where she should be.  I really can't write "your family is forever in the abyss of loneliness without you".  "Gone but not forgotten" doesn't touch what she meant to us.  I'm looking through poems (Emerson, Dickinson, Keller)  for a single line that encompasses her and us without her.  So far, Winnie the Pooh wins.

    Here are pictures from our weekend.