Stores

I can't remember if I told this story before, but if I have, this is take two.

Hannah was 5 when Emily and Abby were born. Having them so far apart meant that Hannah would be in the first grade before the twins could theoretically even take first steps. They weren't exactly going to play with the same toys. At that time, I loved this Little Tykes seesaw. I wanted it for Hannah, but that didn't make much sense. When I found out I was having twins, this was the picture in my mind. Them, as toddlers playing on their little alligator seesaw. It seemed like so much fun, I simply could not wait!






Then they were born early, and everything started to change. I still held on to that picture. It wasn't the fun play thing it had been, but a desperate hope for their future. A daily prayer.

When they were about two, I finally realized and began to accept that my babies wouldn't sit up, and would never own or play on that little alligator toy. I tried to completely forget about it. If it didn't exist, it couldn't hurt.



As all good denial attempts usually do, that bubble popped. I walked into Toys R Us one day, and saw it. The dream. I sat on the floor beside the display and cried. I rocked that little guy back and forth and tried to imagine the girls on it. I couldn't. It was gone, and I cried a little more.

Yesterday, that all flooded back as I saw this in Target.




I almost turned around to show it to Abby, as I knew she would smile. She likes silly things. I remembered she was gone. My eyes immediately flooded with tears. Having had experience with break downs over goofy items in stores, I knew I had to move on quickly (I didn't even stop to take this picture, it's from the Internet). Surprisingly, I've grown a little over the years, and managed to walk through the rest of the Christmas section with only a few quiet tears.

I did buy this ornament because I thought of her when I saw it.




I had a tiny inkling that Christmas would be tough, but I didn't realize how much it would hurt. Their CP was nothing compared to her absence. I miss that kid. She loved to cook, and shop for Christmas, and wrap presents, and decorate the tree, and go to church, and tear those presents open with her little hands. How in the world will I live without that?



I love this picture of Abby at the tree. The wonder in her eyes makes me smile.



Abby concentrating on opening a present 2 years ago. It's amazing to me to see her so healthy, and to know that less than 2 months after this was taken she would be so sick in the hospital.

I really want to talk about other things, but she is still so important, and such a huge part of our lives. Even grieving her. I don't know how else to handle it, other than walking through it, and writing it out. It's my therapy. :)