Writing

The longer I go in between posts, the harder it is to start again. Where does a sentence really begin? Sometimes it's hard to know.

We are all doing okay. But only okay.

I don't feel sad all the time, but I do feel a heaviness constantly. It feels like everything takes effort. Getting up, brushing teeth, leaving the house, writing...absolutely everything is more difficult. I hate that because everything was hard for so long. There was no time and feelings of being overwhelmed were real. Now, time is a gift that it hurts to have.

I watch videos of Abby all the time. Almost everyday, just to see her.

We put up our trees, and I know Abby would love them. I love them. I thought it would be hard, and there were hard moments, but overall I was glad to touch the things her little hands touched year after year. We have a tree just for the girls,I love taking out the ornaments they made, and remembering little fingers and excited faces because they had a gift for us. Those things make me smile. And they make me long for her.




look at those little Abby toes! She had big, adorable feet :)











this is her baby's first ornament. Her great grandpa Leo sent them to the , so I think of him and Abby when I see this one.

For my our big tree, I added butterflies this year. They make me think of her too.













People say you just have to get through the first year. We are doing that, but it's much harder than I thought it would be. It doesn't help that she was so sick last year. Looking back, there weren't any good "lasts". They were all just getting through too. I can't change that, and I have to believe that God had a reason for what she went endured.

I'm sure Abby is having the most amazing Christmas ever, and I'm going to do my best to make our first one without her joyful for my kids. Sarah says over and over that she needs it to feel the same. I just keep Abby in the conversation. Telling stories of her are good for me and Emily, but it seems hard for Sarah. She misses her, but doesn't want to talk about it. So I'm trying to give her what she does say she wants, a happy Christmas...and who knows? Maybe I'll even just write a little too!