Not because of Abby. Not because of Emily. Not because of any particular problem.
I had a bad day because life can just be hard and I don't do it well sometimes.
We woke up good. We had plenty of time to get ready for church. Everything should have gone fine, except about 40 minutes after I said its time to get moving, I noticed no one had moved. At all.
Something bad happens in my brain when so many perfectly capable people in one house can not manage to drag themselves around long enough to put clothing on. I start yelling. I irritate everyone enough to make them move, which adds another layer to my irritation. Why should I have to turn into a maniac to get my not-babies-anymore family out the door?
I angrily grab my earring to finish getting ready and can't get it clasped in back. I fight with it long enough to stab my finger, bleed, stop the bleeding and finally get it done in time to have my husband casually walk in and ask why I'm not finished yet.
Now I'm breathing every single breath slowly through my nose, as I remain calm solely to get out the door.
I walk to the living room to see Emily sitting crooked in her wheel chair looking like one of those troll doll pencils I used to twirl between my palms as a kid. Hannah and Sarah are siting like nothing in the world is wrong. I double take on Sarah, who I realize has pulled her natty vacation hair back into a scraggly Rastafarian type pony tail. Um, no. Get a brush. Now!
I brush, wash, coat, and shoe Emily, just in time yell again that we need to go.
Emily thinks it's very funny for me to go off the deep end...strange kid :/
Sarah starts crying because she can't detangle her head. I'm annoyed because why in the world didn't she get in the shower instead of sitting around. Ugh!
We drive to church sulking, sighing, and fuming.
I love church. I love going, and learning. Of course I couldn't love it after such a bad morning. I felt like a hypocrite or even a liar.
The preacher talked about the gift of grace. It was perfect, but it almost made me feel worse. I know better than to act that way. It never helps, and a good day turned very bad.
I wish I could say it automatically flipped to good because we went to church, but it didn't. Hurt feelings, and lingering anger made it slow to smooth over. As the day went on, we did work it out, and ended up having a peaceful family dinner together.
It was a day that reminded me that I hate those days. I hate my own reaction to simple everyday problems. I have faced HUGE, life altering problems this year. I, for the most part, have gracefully dealt with them. Not once did I lose it over Abby, but tangled hair....oh my.
So, why do I lose my ever lovin mind on the little things?
I don't know exactly. I have to figure God is still working on me.
Knowing I am in need of extravagant grace--daily--doesn't mean I shouldn't have been upset. It does mean that I have the tools to respond differently. As I try to be the wife and mom I want to be, I also have the responsibility to respond differently.
Thankfully, today is a new day, and almost a new year. A new chance to make different choices, and have a day that isn't such a bad day.
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