Mountains and valley's

Do you ever wonder if mountains exist simply to prove that there are valley's below?

Why does it seem that each awesome, amazing, exactly perfect experience is followed by the polar opposite?

I had an amazing time at the women's retreat.  I loved spending time with the ladies and the speaker really spoke to me.  It was one of those times when I would have a conversation with someone, trying to explain what I was going through and sit in the next session and there it was. 

She broke down the verse about loving the Lord your God with all you heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind. 

I've been trying to explain what it feels like to go through what we have and still trust God's plan, even though I don't love the road we've traveled. 

In breaking down the Greek translations of the words love, soul, mind, and strength (which ya'll can be grateful I won't try to do), I was struck by the completeness of the way God wants to be loved.  Not just our idea of a feeling, but with action and motivation.  What I loved most, was understanding that one may not always be able to love the Lord in all of those areas all the time well.  But, in striving to love Him and others that way, sometimes one of those areas of love can carry us through. 

I don't know if I explained it well, but she did.  In my mind I trust the sovereignty of God and know that He loves in all ways well.  I KNOW that we are in his hands.  My heart is heavy with the burden of a sick girl and it's hard for me to love Him emotionally well now.  I am hurt, and sad and I don't feel that warm fuzzy love I wish I could.  That is why loving Him well with my mind and my strength pulls me through each day.  I can choose to love, even when I don't necessarily feel it.  She went on to explain that the level of intimacy we have with God extends to others. 

It was exactly what I needed to hear.  That combined with awesome worship music, walks on the beach, and laughing with friends made my time away from Abby well spent. 

I rented a car to drive back from Jacksonville for two reasons.  1.  To have time to decompress before jumping back in to life.  2.  It was cheaper. 

The first part of the trip was perfect.  I had time in prayer and with my thoughts.  The second part was why I needed the trip to begin with. 

My family called me more and more frequently as I got closer to home.  I smiled at this the first half dozen times.  Then I hit traffic on a Sunday afternoon.  The second I hit the NC line, I was in bumper to bumper traffic--and the phone didn't seem to stop ringing.  What should have taken 90 minutes took more than three hours.  I got lost coming in to Greensboro, called my husband for directions and just ended up mad with his "just read the signs keep driving, you'll find something you know"  comment.  Ugh!!  Then I drove all around the city feeling myself fall further away from the mountain top. 

I came home to a nauseated, sweaty Abby.  Her broviac site is red.  The house is nowhere near the way I left it.  My husband was frustrated and needed to work.  Sarah's bed had broken, Hannah came home from the weekend and ransacked my closet, and my poor Emily had a nasty cold, which she told me about by repeatedly blowing her nose on me.  Hannah and her friend had gone back to Pfeiffer, and I couldn't get her by phone to be sure they made it in ok.  By 10 pm, Jeff was at work, Abby asleep, Sarah's mattress on the floor so she could sleep, the dog out and back in, a single load of laundry started, and Hannah freaking me out!  I finally called campus police to check on her which she did not appreciate.  A few words of advice Hannah---PICK UP YOUR PHONE!! 

I rocked Em and gave her some cold medicine which I'm not supposed to do with her seizure meds, but she needed a break from the constant nose blowing.  She slept on me for about an hour and I finally dragged my battle scarred self into bed around midnight. 

Yesterday Emily was home with her cold and Abby ran a bit of a fever all day.  Her feedings are going awful and I am left wondering.  What? 

Why must I drive (literally) directly from the mountain top with good intentions and full heart into the valley with a bad attitude and an insane life?  I have no real answers other than this is life.  It's real and it's hard. I have to choose to love Him and my family even greater with my mind and my strength, because I'm not feeling fuzzy. 

I'll get more into scary Abby soon.  And I'm sure I'll get back into the swing of things too.  One thing's for sure, I definitely live in the valley.  Not 90210, but the one the Lord has led us to, so I'm trusting Him with everything I have to give.