Shakin' in my boots...

..Or flip flops as the case may be. 

Abby has had an awful day.  She's so nauseated and just overall sick today.  I had to stop her feedings.  I never stop her feeds.  Her broviac site is red and she is completely "off". 

Em looked a little icky after school, making me panic about pulling the J-line.  Could it have been helping to support the mesenteric artery so that her small bowel was open?  I have no good reason to think that, so I'm literally making stuff up as I go along. 

I'm supposed to be on a plane in 8 hours. 

8 little hours and so many things could happen.  It has never been so hard to leave.  I know I need the break and I'll be better for it, but leaving Abby so sick is awful.  I know how long she's been this sick, but it doesn't change the way it feels.  There are so many things I do everyday that I can't tell someone else to do.  I look at her and evaluate constantly.  I try to stay one step ahead, but how do you put that down on paper for someone else to do?  It's not that I don't think anyone else can take care of her, but I know no one else knows what each and every look on her face means. 

I'm shaking.  I have to trust that she's safe out of my site.  I had no idea it would be this hard to leave.  Every single night I put her to bed wondering if she'll wake up in the morning.  For a while I was choosing her night clothes thinking "no, not that one, I wouldn't want her to die wearing that ugly shirt".  I had to make myself stop that.  I have to care for my living child, not a dying one.  As I prepare to leave tomorrow, I have to do the same.  Stop myself from wondering if she'll be alright and trust that she is exactly where she's supposed to be.  Her daddy loves her and can take care of her.  Her grandma completed IV therapy 101 today and the Lord has her in His hands. 

Oh how very shaky mine are as I let her go, even for a weekend.