Where to begin

Where to begin, where to begin? 


What does an inside view of living life with disabled children look like?  I think it's hard to know where to begin because the only constant in my life is that everything is subject to change.  The world around me moves and I have no control over it.  That's tough for a control freak to deal with.  I would like to think that I have some ability to move life in the direction I want to see it go.  It seems like other people do. 

I think my girls wish for some measure of control too, a way to influence their environment.  When I feel out of control, I pray knowing that God hears me.  It calms me.  I encourage Emily and Abby to pray for the same reasons.  I tell them that God can hear their words even if I can't.  I hope they understand, but it must be hard for them to know how to have a conversation with God when they have never had a conversation with anyone else.  I try to imagine what God hears when they talk to him.  Do words that can't be spoken on earth shout in heaven?  I want them to hear him answer them and to know his presence.  I want him to whisper to their hearts that He will never leave or forsake them.  I want him to whisper to my heart too. 


I believe that imperfect children and imperfect lives are a constant reminder of Gods promises.  The promise of eternal life for those who believe.  The promise that one day all of the heartache of this world will be forgotten.  That they will be healed and whole.  That I will be healed and whole.  They remind me to pray for my own attitude and responses before I pray for God to change theirs. 


Their lives have asked me to bear witness to suffering, to do what I can to change it, and when I can't, to hold their hand.  They have asked me without words to speak for them.  They have asked me to feed and dress them when they can't.  To patiently wait for them to do what they can for themselves.  To encourage them when they try.  They ask me to believe in them when no one else does.  To carry them through, and to walk beside.  They have asked me to be Christ-like.  They have reminded me of what He did for me.


In my ever changing completely out of control life I do have one choice that is mine.  It is the only control I really have and it is a choice that is made day after day.  How will I choose to respond?  When all of those questions are asked of me, when I am praying to just get through minutes at a time, how will I choose to respond?   Not just in my actions, but in my heart and my head.


We all walk this journey of response.  It is one I have struggled with.  I will be doing so this year with you!  Welcome to my crazy life!


Psalm 71:14-16
But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
Of your salvation all day long,
Though I know not its measure.
I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.