13th Birthday

I had such big plans for the 13th birthday post.  I'm still working on some of it, but I'm mostly just wondering why I still try to make it the way I want it to be. 

I didn't even see Abby on her birthday and Emily was in the hospital way too sick to care.  It was more than 3 weeks ago and I still haven't made them a cake or opened a gift with them.  It doesn't seem right to celebrate our children without both Jeff and I here.  So like their actual birthday, we will do our celebrating when we're all home together.

 

2 little babies, 1 scared mommy

I spoke with my sweet NICU friend this week; we both had premature, identical twin girls 2 days apart.  We stood at the sink near the entrance to the place neither of us wanted to be and washed away the outside world day after day, week after week.  We'd talk about our babies and watch each other as we began to understand that our lives were changing in ways we couldn't yet imagine.

"I thought they said this was going to get easier" my friend reminded me during our conversation. "They DID say that!" I replied.
It really doesn't. If you are a parent of a child younger than mine, I am so very sorry that it doesn't get easier. You get better at it, if that helps.

My friend and I decided that "it gets easier" is a lie they tell parents so we won't leave our children on the doorstep of the neurologist that acted like a jerk or the nurse that wonders "what the big deal is".----(Just kidding ....sort of :)

Anyway, back to the point...we share the birthday week of our girls and the journey through the joy and struggles of living with disabilities.  We've shared a Mama's breaking heart and laughed until we cried more times than I can count. 

Four amazing princesses



In those first months we spoke often of how "big" it all was.  There was so much to face each day and so many decisions to be made.  Things we had to deal with that we definitely didn't want to, and times when we were completely lost.  New information came flying at us from all directions.  We quickly learned to dread Doctor's appointments as they were often the catalyst for more doctors and even more unwanted information.  We cried, grieved, laughed, and tried to dream new dreams. 

On this the 13th Birthday of our girls, I am stunned at how little has changed.  I still feel all of the same emotions as I did in the few first months of this life.  There are still problems to deal with, if anything it's harder because we know so well what is happening or what we will experience in certain situations.  We also understand fragility in a way that could not have made sense to me then.  Even with those tiny NICU babies, I could not have understood how fragile my children could be.  I know now how quickly things can change.

Holding little tiny Emily and Abby, I was so afraid of losing the babies I dreamed of.  Sadly, I did lose them.  There are lots of new babies at our church now, tiny ones that are beginning to sit up and grasp toys; they can do what my girls can't.  Toddlers saying such sweet new words and phrases that make me smile.  In all the joy I feel for their accomplishments, I've never been able to completely ignore the sting of loss that comes with it.  Every word a precious toddler speaks is a word I've never heard from my child.  It's not envy or even pride that fuels this hurt, it's just sadness for my sweet girls.  

Even as the dreams of my children died, something new was born.  New lives and experiences began to grow even as our old life faded. There are times, places, and moments when I look at the scenery of my life, knowing how desperately I didn't want to live here and think "Thank you.  Thank you, Lord"  If I had my way I would have walked through this cold, lonely world that holds so many things that I thought I wanted.  Then I have a conversation with a 13 year old with only 5 words and know in my soul that I could have missed this incredible minute of life.  I could have missed her laughing or that feeling of such overwhelming love that my eyes fill with tears.  I could have missed the trust I have in a plan greater than my own. 




Emily and Nola

Abby Bowling



Even though the world didn't change and it didn't stop spinning for my broken heart, I still appreciate the life I've had the opportunity to live, and I am so proud and thankful for these 13 year old girls!