An unsure heart

I came across this song today and it seemed appropriate for the way I'm feeling today. As I've typed, the words of this song have filled my heart; may they fill yours also.

I'm feeling the heavy burden of responsibility for the life of another today.  Through much prayer and heart searching, we have decided to try to bring Abby home. 

Her condition is basically unchanged from last week.  She isn't tolerating feedings and digestion continues to be a serious concern.  Jeff and I, along with Abby's doctors have come to the conclusion that it could take months for her system to work properly again.  We don't want her to spend such a long time in a hospital bed, but she definitely needs IV support to get through this. 

Tomorrow at 12:00 p.m. she will go back to the operating room for a central line to be placed in her chest.  We will take her home on TPN and slow feedings.  She will have home nursing care to manage the TPN.  We hope to move her feedings up at home and wean down the TPN after she's had some time to recover.  This is not an ideal scenario for us, but we think it's the best thing we can do for her right now.

As I've said before, TPN carries it's own risks  The doctors think she could need it anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months.  This is obviously very complicated because of our planned move to NC this summer.  Please pray that this is over before June. 

I am struggling with feeling unsure that we are making the right decision.  Having Abby in the hospital for such a long time is tedious and at times frightening, but at least we know she has everything she needs here.  Bringing her home still needing hospital-like care is a responsibility that I do not take lightly.  Ultimately, her daily care is in my hands.  She is very fragile and having such a slow belly is nerve-racking.  My faith may be exercised far greater at home than it has been here in the hospital. 

Tonight, I lay my head to rest knowing that yet again I will trust the life of my daughter with a surgeon and all of our lives with my God.  I will trust Him because my human eyes can not see blessing from burden today.  I feel the weight of responsibility as I make decisions for my Abby that I must consciously lay down.  I trust that provision is present, so praise is lifted up. 

It's a difficult to pull praise and trust to the front line of a heart that feels unsure and afraid.  I am comforted by the number of examples in the bible of those who struggled with the weight or pain of their circumstance.  David ,who begged God to have mercy on him; Job, who spoke at length of his sorrow and heartbreak and yet trusted his God; even Jesus who prayed that his Father would take the pain he was about to endure from him, knowing that he would walk where God would send him, even into death. 

So often God asks more of me than I feel capable of giving.  Truthfully it is more than I am capable of.  It is He who stregthens my resolve, answers my many questions, and hears the cries of my heart. I pray that anyone who reads the words on this page would see "more".  A God, infinitely "more" than a girl. 

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)