Fourteen

Fourteen years ago today, I woke up knowing that something was wrong.  It was one of those unignorable feelings of dread.  I just knew that that was the day my life would change.  There was no way I could have imagined how significant that change would be. 

Emily Claire came screaming into the world at 2:30 pm by emergency c-section.  She was loud and looked so much better than I expected.  2 minutes later, Abigail Grace did the same.  They were puffy and remarkably stable.  We had expected such tiny little things at only 27 weeks gestation, but the steroids they had been giving me to help develop their lungs along with the fluids and other meds I was on went a long way in making those first few minutes better than we'd hoped. 

For a short time that day, we were thrilled and relieved to hear our beautiful babies crying and breathing on their own. 

I knew they were early and looking back, I should have been more concerned,   but I wasn't.  I was in love.  I felt overwhelmingly grateful that they were doing well and believed that they would be okay.  I thought that feeling I woke up with was my girls coming way too soon. 

I only saw them those first few minutes, and then on my way to my room, they took me in the stretcher by the NICU to see them.  By then both babies needed help breathing.  I still wasn't afraid.  I really thought they would be fine. 

I was so hopeful and so happy that they looked good.  I remember that day without fear. 

Even though that day was one that still makes me smile, it is also a reminder of how quickly things change.  It reminds me that one minute they were in me, safe and growing, and the next they were fighting for their lives.  They were survivors from the very beginning! 

I'm not trying to sound like it was all wonderful.  I still limp through every January as I am reminded of how far we are from where I hoped the girls would be.  It's hard to watch the years go by and see your children stay the same.  They have the exact same motor skills they had at 4 months old.  Their friends, babies we knew are moving on and we aren't. 

Even when they were little I was in tears buying their first birthday cake, knowing they would not be able to bring their hands to their mouths--God, in His infinite mercy knew I needed to see my babies having fun with their cake, so they stuck their faces in it instead.  I loved that moment.  I loved knowing that it might not be what I thought it would, but that they would enjoy the world in their own way.  It opened my heart to a different normal. 

Around that time, a therapist told me to get a book about raising a child with Cerebral Palsy.  I went out to the book store to do as I was told, but I couldn't buy it.  I couldn't walk past "What to expect the first year" filled with all of the developmental milestones I'd dreamed of and pick up a CP book.  So in what I considered a compromise, I bought a book called "Changed by a Child" by Barbara Gill.  It became my lifeline.  I still have it, wrinkled, written in, and worn out.   It was a series of short insights into this new life I was trying to figure out.  One mother wrote: " I had accept that I was not going to die from this, and my child is not dying today, so I had to learn to live".  Those simple words had a huge impact on my outlook. 

When it's all so scary and unknown, you wish you could just curl up and leave it all behind.  I wanted our lives back and I couldn't imagine living abundantly or joyfully with so much hurt.  Realizing that we all had to live--not survive--but live with what we had helped me to move forward.  It helped me to recognize the joy and the gifts that my girls were, and embrace who they would become. 

This year, I have my typical January blues, but it is certainly tempered with gratitude.  There were many days in the last year that I wondered what a birthday would feel like without both of my girls with us.  And the words of that book are still with me.  Even when I don't know what tomorrow will bring, as long as there is breath in our bodies we have to live. 

Thankfully I don't have to think about any of that today.  They are here and doing alright.  We are even having a birthday celebration for them on Sunday.  I was afraid to plan anything in case they got sick, but we are going to try.  It will just be family, but it should be fun and the girls will know how much we all love them.

So, fourteen years.  The story continues to unfold, and however it plays out, I am blessed to be be changed by a child.