Abigail Grace

I guess I should write about how difficult this is, but you all know how hard this must be. Today, I think just talk.

I keep thinking of Abby as an infant and toddler. She was so fussy and difficult to soothe. I prayed over and over for God to take CP from her, or to take her so she wouldn't live such a hard life. Obviously He didn't, and Abby became strong. She is so strong that it's hard to imagine that she could ever die. Even now, her sats are good, she's breathing fine. I can't believe what's happening.

When she was little, I stared at her tiny, perfect face for hours. She was so pretty. I rocked her and tried to understand how she could be so absolutely perfect and have something so wrong inside her little baby brain. I feel that way now. She is so Abby, how can I not help her more? Is there really nothing else to do, except decide how to say good bye?

I think on this blog, I've focused on our struggles with raising children with disabilities, and about my faith, but I wonder if I've spent enough time on how incredibly hugely I love her. Have I said how thankful I am that she's mine, exactly the way she is? From the very first second I learned she was there, snuggled up with Emily on ultrasound I was thrilled. Little twin "b", my unexpected blessing. When I found out they were both girls, I'm not gonna lie, I was worried the way all moms worry about daughters, but still so excited. As hard as it was to accept her disability, I loved her instantly and completely.

When she wasn't fussy, she was the sweetest baby. She learned early to give big sloppy open-mouthed kisses. We all still try to get the most kisses each day. Sadly, Jeff usually wins :/. She loves her daddy. Her maw maw was always her favorite too. She wanted her over me the first 5 years. Lately she's been a mamas girl.

She is funny too. She has the BEST well placed "ya!". It always comes at just the right moment in a conversation to make everyone laugh.

She has a smile that lights entire rooms. She gives it generously and without reservation. Everyone she smiles at gets all of Abby. There is no caution or concern, just her whole self in a beautiful whole face smile. I love that about her.




I could go on for a year about her- and likely will, but for right this minute I am going to try to win most Abby kisses for the day.


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