Trust

May the God who gives hope fill you with great joy. May you have perfect peace as you trust in him. May the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope.
~Romans 15:13 (nirv)

One of the earliest and hardest things I've had to learn since Emily and Abby were born was what God was to me in the midst of pain. My babies were hurt. Their brains were damaged, and God could merely think the thought and they would be healed. He could fix this and chose not to. How could I trust him, surrender to His will, His plan, when it seemed so wrong?

How was I supposed to move through this pain, to love God and live the life He set before me well?

I believe the last 14 years have prepared me for this moment that I am in now. The nights I cried, prayed, begged, and grieved. The days that I laughed, rejoiced, celebrated, and loved more than I thought I could. All of those moments brought me into relationship with God. I learned to be real in my faith and with what I was going through. That was how I could grow and move, rather than be still.

Learning to trust God and surrender while still making so many choices is hard. Really hard. I have to decide what to do with Abby. I make dozens of choices every day. There are little decisions and now, very big ones. And yet God is in control. How does that work?

It works by staying close to Him. Reading His words. Hearing His voice. Seeking His face.

Honestly, I've known that, practically, for a long time. But I didn't feel any help with actually moving through the hard times. I still felt alone with all of the responsibility. I knew the "church words" for trust, but struggled with experiencing it.

I think the one (and possibly most important) word often left off that equation is surrender. I can not control the situation and trust God with it at the same time. Maybe for the first time, I'm in a place where I do not want to decide.

So, I pray. I actually listen to the words in the bible. I stop, and wait. And there in that place, when the words in my head are His; where what is happening is not what I want to happen, is peace.

I am sad, and scared, but I have peace. Peace because I trust. I trust we will have what we need in the moment we need it. I trust that if Abby goes to heaven, she will finally be healthy and whole. I know she won't suffer anymore. I have peace in that. I trust that as long as she is here with me--if that is months or years--God is there too.