Randoms

~ We made it!  I got through what I was dreading most when Abby died.  The first Birthday without her.  I was very, very sad the days leading up to it, but when it actually came, I was alright.  I enjoyed spending the day with Emily and our family.  The day before, I took time to really think of Abby.  I cried and looked at pictures and video.  I wanted to remember all the good things about her amazing personality.  On Sunday we focused on Emily.  We went to church and then to her restaurant of choice...Red Lobster.  I thought the food was gross, but she loved it, so that's all that counts.  Then we came home, had a short "remembering Abby" few moments, and spent the rest of the day hanging out.  It was low key, but perfect for where we were.

Emily requested a Strawberry Cake! It was yummy. We didn't have enough candles, but don't tell!

She needed a new doll.  That would be Glory's fault.

She has coveted this Owl Quilt from Target for a while.  Owl's are her favorite animal and she LOVED this gift :) It had other animals, such as squirrel and porcupine's on it too.  Given Emily's severe skunk phobia, I was slightly concerned, but alas, all is well.

~ My friend said she would release a balloon for Abby, which I thought was a sweet idea.  I bought 5 purple balloons, one for each of us, which we wrote short messages on to release.  In true Cushman style, it changed a bit.  Jeff's cousin ended up being here to pick up her two cats. We watched them for her while she was out of town, so we gave her a balloon, and Emily and I shared.  Then out in the driveway, we were cutting the strings off (I'm always worried a critter will get tangled in it when it falls) Sarah popped her balloon.  She quickly added a message to Emily and mommy's shared balloon, tied her broken one to it, and we were back on track. 

~ Monday and Tuesday, my sweet friend from Florida came to spend some time with me.  She did the program for Abby's memorial service while she was on vacation, which was a huge sacrifice and blessing.  She did an amazing job.

We literally talked for 2 days in a way that only women can :)  Her handsome son graduated to Heaven in June, 2011.  He had CP like Emily and Abby and just as much personality and light.  It was good to talk about our children.  Struggles and joys.  I hope Tim and Abby already know each other.  I think having that time with Kathi to reflect was really helpful for where I am.

She also inspired me to get my booty back to the gym.  I have an appointment on Friday. 

~ Speaking of Friday and gyms, be prepared for whining and complaining about everything on the back side of my body that hurts.  Also, my front.  And the top of my head.  And definitely my feet.  Possibly my elbow or knee. 

~ After my friend left yesterday, I watched the baby and his brother again for a few hours.  They are so cute!  Then, I spent the afternoon removing small puppies worth of dog hair from the house, which I will probably do again. 

~ My husband would like for me to say "GO RAVEN'S!!!".  He is thrilled that his team is going to the Super Bowl.  We are having a small party on Sunday.  If my jaw isn't included in the list of things that hurt from the gym on Friday, I will eat a lot of really bad, yummy, greasy food.  It will make up for the pain of going to the gym.

~I'm headed to Bible Study this morning.  Habakkuk is the book.  :)  I don't know why I just laughed at myself for rhyming Habakkuk.  Lame.  Anyway,  I will not miss the minor prophets.  Just reading old testament is exhausting, much less imagining having to live under that law to stay right with God.  Thank God for Jesus, and the new testament :)

~ Happy Thursday!

Pain

As Abby's birthday approaches (it's Sunday), I find myself with a new, very constant, companion.

Pain.

For the first time, I physically hurt. My chest feels like a vice grip is clamped from the inside. It feel like I could easily throw up at any moment. It hurts to lose someone you love. I think I'm definitely slow because it's been nearly five months, and there hasn't been a single day as hard as the days leading up to her birthday are.

I wish there were words for what I feel. There really aren't. Those who have lost someone close to them know this heart pain, and others, I hope you never do.

I'm not sure there is much I can do about this, other than get through it. I'm just dealing with each day as it comes. It's much harder because I want Emily to enjoy her birthday. I don't want her to feel sad unless she just does. When I talk about what she wants to do, I have to just ignore that awful sinking feeling and smile at her.
She deserves to be celebrated just as much as Abby is missed.

I took some comfort in being able to watch this little punkin today. He's the son of a lady in my bible study. Baby cuddles just make me smile, no matter what I'm going through.








Our hospice social worker stopped by and brought this little gift. We molded Abby sweet hand when she was sick, and I just got it. It's sort of an Abby gift for me. I miss those little fingers.




It also snowed a little today, which was sweet. Emily and Sarah came home 3 hours early because of the weather. It was extremely ICY! Jeff was going to get Hannah from school for the weekend for Emily's birthday, but his car spun out off the interstate on the ice. Thank God, he didn't hit anything and was able to get back on the road, but it wasn't safe to continue.

He came home, we played, sled down our icy driveway, and had breakfast for dinner. It helped. Laughing some, spending time with my family, and thinking of Abby. All of it helped a little.

As awful as it is to have to celebrate a birthday without our girl, I know we are blessed too. There is a lot of good in our lives, even with the pain.


 

Good

My kids are off from school today and tomorrow, and because of our unexpected snow day, they ended up with 5 days.

I used to dread long breaks because it was so hard to take care of four little ones. Now that we have two at home, and they are older, we are actually learning to have some fun. We LOVED the snow.











Before the snow fell, Emily had a neurology appointment. Her seizures have been more stable than they have in years. She gained 3 1/2 pounds, which still leaves her at a peanut-sized 63 1/2 pounds. She feels heavy, but she'll be 15 in a week. She's still tiny, but healthy.

The cool news from that visit was that during her 2 day EEG, they looked at overall brain health. They measure the intelligence areas in the back of the brain. There's a 1-10 scale, and a normal person would be 8-10. Someone with a brain injury like Emily would expectedly fall in the 5-7 range or even lower. She said people with diabetes or Parkinson's even have lower numbers.

Emily's number was 8.5. That means if you didn't know she was a child in a wheelchair that couldn't talk, she would expect to see a typically intelligent child. Her brain activity in all higher thinking areas was consistent with that of her peers. In one single are of life, she's on an even field.

I know that number doesn't change who Emily is, but it feels amazing to get good news. I can't tell you how many times I've doubted myself for pushing so hard for education, and to keep her in general education. I wasn't sure she understood, but I knew in my heart that exposure to at least an elementary education couldn't hurt her. I had to fight tooth and nail for it, but learned as she did.

In Florida, if a child couldn't do everything a typical child does, and Emily's case, that includes written responses, they try to place them on a special needs track. There is nothing wrong with that, if it's an appropriate placement. Abby was on that track because her visual impairment made it very difficult for her. She understood as much as Emily did, but her disabilities made typical education something she wasn't as interested in. She was a hard worker, though, and learned too, just at a different pace. Emily liked a challenge, so we tried to keep her in the game. I personally believe that EVERY child should be stay in general education through elementary school, unless it is too difficult emotionally. So what if they don't retain what others do. You will never hurt them by trying, but we know that harm is done by not stimulating that developing little brain.

Now that we are in North Carolina, and don't have to fight so hard for everything, we are discovering that, like any child, she has strengths and weaknesses. She probably does have a ceiling to what she's able to process, but it is much higher than anyone in early education ever imagined. So every tear filled meaning I sat through, every call to an attorney I made, every letter I wrote, and moment I begged to have her included came rushing back to me in at neurologists office. Finally, someone else looked me in the eye and said what I knew. This child can and should learn.

I knew Emily was understanding, and I knew she was a much happier child outside of that awful Florida educational system, but sometimes a little outside validation is a wonderful thing to have.

They also looked at overall brain health, which was very important to me. Because there was a neurological component to Abby's illness, and her brain/body communication was disrupted, I worried about the same thing happening to Em. Nothing says it won't, but her overall brain health looked good on EEG.

It was good, good news. I've learned to always prepare for the worst, so hearing unexpected good things is wonderful. I am so thankful to God for this time. I've prayed for a period of easy for our family. We've endured 3 long years of difficult. How sweet it is to have a few days of "good".

When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, no one can discover
anything about their future. Ecclesiastes 7:14 (niv)


 

Snow day!

It's our first official snow day this year! Lots of excitement :)




























 

Dreams

Ever had a dream that felt so real you woke confused? Or dreams that you just knew meant something real. I've had several. Sometimes they're obviously not true, like the frightening dreams featuring tornados, snakes, or killers chasing me through dark winding tunnels. Wait...is that just me? Feel free to ignore that.

I rarely remember them, but I've had a few amazing dreams that I do.

I once dreamed of holding baby Abby in the woods. It was peaceful and beautiful. I was talking to her and animals started showing up. It was very Snow White like.




As we sat happily, a very old, majestic, giant tortoise began to slowly walk by. Everything in the forest stilled. I pointed to him and whispered to Abby how special and rare it was to see such a unique creature. The old turtle stopped right in front of her, and looked straight into her eyes with the most heartbreakingly loving look I'd ever seen. Then a single tear rolled down his cheek and he slowly walked away. I woke up bothered by the dream, and vividly remembered it.

There was a page in Abby's favorite book that hospice gave us to read to her about dying that brought the dream back to me. I'm still not sure what it meant, if anything, but it stayed with me.

When the girls were little, I prayed God would heal them, daily and fervently. I don't think there were many days I went to sleep without tears on my pillow. I wish I could remember how old they were when I finally had a dream that I believe answered those prayers, but I can't. I only remember the dream.

I was in the grocery store (which still makes me laugh--where else would I be?) walking with my cart. As I looked down to the other end of the isle, I saw Emily and Abby walking hand in hand with Jeff's grandfather. He was young and beautiful. I'd never seen him that way, but somehow I knew it was him. The twins were skipping beside him. The first thing I noticed was their hair moving. When you have a child that can't walk, the little things, like bouncing curls are greatly missed. They were everything I had ever hoped or dreamed they would be, and so much more. I walked down the isle to get to them, but they were on the other side of where I was. This happened several times before I understood. I WOULD see them that way. Just not on this side.

I woke up with complete peace. I was able to move on from that point and enjoy my girls more where they were. It didn't mean I was never sad again, but I felt that God had clearly answered me. They were going to be okay.
I clung to that image of Abby, clearly engraved in my mind, healthy and whole in the last months of her life. It was a comfort in the midst of sorrow.

Since Abby died, I've hoped I would dream of her. I miss her so much. I knew that it would be a gift to dream of her.

I finally did, two months after she died. I was holding her in a chair by a window. The light shined in on her face. I could almost feel the weight of her in my arms when I woke up. She was my Abby, healthy and smiling, saying "ya" and "ma-ma" in the way only she can. She asked about her grandma, and we talked as we always did. She felt so real and alive, that I was a little confused when I woke up. I was so happy to see her.

I didn't dream of her again until a few days ago. In my dream, I went to visit her grave and she was sitting beside it. It was a weird confused dream, where I knew it didn't make sense even as it was unfolding. I went to her and realized she was alive. I picked her up and she felt heavy and strong; not the frail girl we buried there. I was still confused, but so happy to see her. I thought she was hungry, but remembered I removed her g-tube and central line. I thought I should take her to the hospital, but didn't want to. We took her home where she drank apple juice for Jeff really well, so we started feeding her by mouth and laughing and talking to her. It felt miraculous to be with her again like that. I didn't care how she got there, I was just so thankful for the time I had with her.

I don't believe that Abby was actually there in my dream. I believe she is in Heaven, surrounded in light, love, and the presence of God. I don't think she misses us at all in such goodness. I do believe that God gives us what we need. I believe He comforts me with those very few moments I feel my girl in my arms again.
I think it comes from Him when I need it most, because if I had a choice, I would hold her every night and wake up without having to miss her so much each day.

As it is, I have a precious hour in a dream, that I'm able to remember the little girl I love so completely. When I'm awake and thinking of her, I often replay the last year and a half in my mind. It's hard to remember her healthy. I just love that I've dreamed of her smiling and not sick.



A few people have told me that they've dreamed of Abby without CP. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I loved the dream I had when she was little, but now I am so thankful to see her healthy, even with CP. That's the Abby I know and love. Even in my dreams.

 

4 months

I wrote a blog the other day, that has disappeared. I think it's been long enough since I complained about the Blogger App to say once again, I am not a fan of App's for blogging. Ugh.

I wrote about where we are at the four month mark since Abigail died.
Four months since we kissed that sweet face or fought over who loved her more as she laughed between us. She always picked a side. Usually it was Daddy's, but every now and again I would win and it was a huge deal.

It feels like she was just here yesterday, and then it also feels like a lifetime has passed since my girl was in my arms. It doesn't seem possible that I could ever survive four months without one of my children. I do survive though, because I have to.

I would say overall, we're doing well. We are all doing what we did before, just with knowing something is missing that will always be missing.

Hannah went back to Pfeiffer, Sarah and Emily to school, and once again we are finding comfort in routine.

This is Emily and Abby's birthday month, which has always been a struggle for me. Every year I relive their birth and the months that followed. It's not always sad, but it is emotional. The babies were due April 27th, but born January 27th. The what-ifs play through my mind. What if they stayed in just a few more weeks?

Our whole lives would have been different. I couldn't love them anymore just the way they are. But loving them as I do, I just can't help but wish they had all the choices in life that every other child had.

The coolest thing about my awesome girls is that they made the most of what they did have. They both laughed every day. Even Abby's last days, she was present and wanting to participate. She wanted to get out of bed every single day. Only the last night was she too sick to play. She was amazing, and so is Emily.

So this year, Emily will turn 15, and Abby will forever be 14. It's just another way we have to leave her behind. We had to remove her from our health insurance, and cancel her well check appointment. Life goes on, and 14 years, 7 months, and 6 days of loving our child will always stay with us.

Thankfully, Emily doesn't want a party. She just wants a family dinner. Abby was my party girl. I think it would break my heart to party without her.

At four months, we are doing what we've always done. We wake up and put one foot in front of the other. I am thankful for the children I have, and the time I had with Abby. I miss her every second, and have an emptiness I'm not sure will ever fill until I see her again. I also have some measure of peace each day. I'm not sure I can ask for more than that.


 

New Years

Oh my goodness! Is it Thursday and the third of January already? The year is flying by and we're only 3 days in.

I'm not generally a New Years resolution kinda girl, but this year, everything is different.

When Abby died, I gave myself the rest of the year for absolutely nothing. Just survive day to day. I wanted to be still as much as possible. I cried as much as I wanted and except in the presence of my kids, didn't try to pull it together. Almost 4 months of consistent grief.

Don't get me wrong, I will grieve for my precious daughter the rest of my life. Until she is with me again, I will ache for her. I'm sure I will have days that I can barely get through. But, life has to slowly move on again too, which means I need to begin to form a plan.

I think that plan will include some form of work, mostly because earning my keep might be fun :)

I stopped working when the twins were born because they needed so much. Now, I have a lot of time on my hands. I need to find something to do that I can make a little money with and still have some flexibility if Emily needs me. I don't know what that is, but I want to try something. Hmmmm, what should I do?

I do have a few personal resolutions. Pioneer Woman (a blog I read) used the word resolution for an acronym, so I'll give it a shot too. I'm not going to think of them as resolutions as much as continued life goals, with as much grace sprinkled in as possible.




R- Read my Bible. I would love to spend a year of consistency. Reading, learning, and taking it all in.
I don't want to be greedy with "R", but I need 2.
The second is Remember. I want to find a way or cause that honors and remembers Abby. I'm not sure which way to go with that, but I want to remember. Every. Day.




E- Exercise. Ya, that just about says it all. (I would like to say I am fatty-McFatty here, but I'm being a little nicer to myself-- see "U")




S- Socialize. I am a social girl, and I miss my friends. This is where God allowed us to be, and I have to make a life here. The first year didn't count because I never left the house when I wasn't heading to the hospital. I'm going to spend time with my friends, whom I dearly love, and try to make new ones.

O- I was warned this one was tough, and it is. I'll go with Offer. Offer to help, listen, pray, or be there when needed. Offer myself as much as my battered little heart can to serve others.

L- Love. Deeply. Completely. Freely.

U- Become more Understanding. There is no need to be so hard on myself or those around me. I need to chill out a bit.

T- Think things through. I have lived a life of only reacting and responding to situations. I have time now, and I realize that I can stop and think more often.

I- Invest time and energy in my family and each day that God has given me. I don't want to waste it, or miss it!

O- Oh no! Another O.
Operate my keyboard. A sneaky little way to say write. I love to write and have several unfinished projects, and many more in my head. Even if I never do anything with it, I'd like to finish something.

N- Notice the little things. What I remember most clearly about Abby's life are all the small moments that made it so meaningful. She was legally blind, and we often described the world to her, and the sounds she heard. It made it incredibly special for me to be on this created planet with her. I want to keep that gift she gave.


Happy new year!